One of the topics my wife and I have been discussing lately are self-defeating behaviors. You know what I am talking about, those things we think and do that sabotage our lives and relationships. Some of you may have seen this happen with your spouse or even yourself. When things are going too good or become uncertain, you say or do something that is self-defeating. You find a way to punish yourself through actions or thoughts. You may even feel or believe that you do not deserve a particular status or reward, so instead of working through it, you sabotage it.
When it comes to marriage, some spouses sabotage the relationship. They have an affair. The affair functions as a self-defeating behavior. They may even tell you “I don’t deserve you”, or “You wouldn’t want me, if you really knew me” or “I am not worth it”. Statements like these are often indicative of the affair being a self-defeating or self-limiting action. The affair will still need to be dealt with and resolved, although the key question to consider is “What did the affair keep them from doing?” To put it another way, if the affair was ‘self-defeating’, “What were they defeating themselves about?” When you uncover that, you will know what is needed in your marriage. The cheater made the mistake of defeating them self before addressing the issue. Instead of avoiding the issue, you will need to work through it.
Overcoming patterns of self-defeating or self-limiting behavior often presents challenges. There will always be plenty of excuses to avoid addressing the issue. Instead of allowing the self-defeating patterns to run your life, you need to overcome them. These old patterns need to be broken and challenged.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
