Narcissistic tendencies present tough challenges in affairs. It is hard having a marriage relationship with someone who is in love with themselves.
What About Narcissism and Affairs? <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad you’re here with me today. The topic we’re going to be dealing with today, if I put it in terms of a question, is what about narcissism and affairs.
This is one that, on my blog, people have had a lot of concern about. And I wanted to go ahead and address that. I know that within a podcast I have a limited amount of time, so I’m not going to be able to give you this in-depth lecture on narcissism. But we’re going to be covering some of the high points.
Narcissism, whether it be narcissistic tendencies or a personality disorder, presents a tough challenge regarding affairs. Part of the reason why it presents a tough challenge is because a narcissist operates according to some internal rules that’s hard for the non-narcissist to understand.
It is very difficult to have a marriage relationship with someone who is so in love with themselves, like you find in narcissists, where they put their own needs ahead of other people’s needs.
That’s a tough one to deal with, because when you start talking to them they are constantly twisting things around in their head and they really believe it’s all about me. That becomes very frustrating when you have to deal with it.
When you’re married to a narcissist the affair may not be your biggest problem. Your bigger problem may be dealing with the narcissism and the narcissist, and learning how to navigate through the conflicts that you have. Because narcissists will always bring high drama. It’s almost like they bring the party, but in this case it’s not a fun party.
With all the drama that the narcissist brings it often makes for a marriage that is a wild roller coaster ride. Because there’s these ups and downs and twists and turns, and it will leave you wondering what is going on. Because what you thought was going on is not necessarily what is going on.
If you’re one of those people whose spouse is a narcissist you’re going to find this helpful today. If you’re not, you’ll still find it helpful but not in as personal a way as those that are struggling with narcissism.
In terms of dealing with this, the solution that I’m presenting to you today, I call it practice the ABC’s of dealing with narcissists. I put it in an ABC format to help you remember things.
Number one, with the A, avoid creating martyrs. Narcissists are very good at turning themselves in martyrs. They’re good at being the victim. When they’re in a victim mode communication is stopped.
If you’re talking to them and they start playing that victim card you’re not going to get anywhere. You are up against a brick wall. It is very hard to one-up someone once they go into that martyr mode. You’re going to need to be aware of how they get into the martyr mode and avoid that.
If you’re planning on confronting them in a way that you’re going to let them have both barrels, so to speak, you want to avoid that. Because these people are good at playing martyrs, and if there’s any way that they can twist what you’re saying, or what your confrontation is about, around to where it’s poor me, they’re going to do it.
The B. You’re going to learn to set clear boundaries. When you’re dealing with a narcissist boundaries are very important. You’re going to need to maintain clarity of what are your issues and what are their issues. This is going to be very important in terms of surviving not only the affair, but getting your relationship back on track.
Narcissists have a way of letting their issues bleed all over the place and turning anybody else’s issues into theirs. You need to be real clear about what the narcissist needs to deal with versus what you need to deal with. Especially with the affair, because they will find a way to turn it around into their stuff.
Besides avoiding creating martyrs, and besides having the boundaries and learning to set clear boundaries, you’re going to need to recognize C, which is consistency is key in gaining relationship sanity.
As you’re dealing with them you’re going to need to be consistent. The way you are on Monday is going to need to be the same that you are on Wednesday, the same way that you are on Friday.
And being consistent and not changing your tune, that’s going to be important in turning things around. Because if you’re a moody person that switches moods one day to another, the narcissist is going to pick up on that.
They’re going to learn how to play that and use that against you. They will have you feeling like the whole situation is topsy-turvy and it’s all your fault. You want to avoid that.
With the solution I put forth today, with practice the ABC’s of dealing with narcissists, this is not the typical types of solutions that I present because many of these you’re not going to be able to do and to master right now. It’s going to take practice. Because with each of these I can guarantee you it takes time and experience.
Because as you live with a martyr, their experience in turning any situation and any confrontation into a dynamic where it’s martyrdom, where they’re being picked on, and you’re going to have to learn how to avoid that. And you’ll probably mess up a few times. That’s okay. Get back up and get after it again.
And likewise, setting clear boundaries. You may set the boundaries, they will test them. The first couple times you may fail. And that’s okay. Just get back up and get at it again. That’s where the C comes in, consistency. If you mess up don’t panic. Just hang in there and be consistent.
As you continue to maintain consistency in terms of setting clear boundaries and avoiding making them the martyr, it will start turning the situation around. Because once you have some stability in the relationship, then you can start turning things around in terms of dealing with the affair in a straightforward manner, working together as a team on dealing with the children, dealing with the effects of the affair. But as long as you have this emotional roller coaster where they’re playing poor me and they’re managing to infringe on your boundaries all the time and they’re managing to take away your consistency, you’re going to have more of the roller coaster ride. Not less.
I encourage you to practice these ABC’s, and over time they will give you a foot up in terms of dealing with narcissists and a place to start. I realize that narcissism is a tough topic, and there’s no quick and easy answers. It’s going to take applying these over and over again.
I encourage you, if you have any feedback concerning Affair Recovery Radio, that you leave it on the blog or even leave feedback concerning the podcast here. I am glad that you tuned in today and I’m hoping that you found this informative. Rather than feeling lost as to what to do about narcissists, now you’ve got a game plan and I hope that you go ahead and put it into practice.
Until next time, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Goodbye.
