The question often comes up, “How do you deal with a cheater who denies the affair?”. The cheater assumes that by denying the affair, you will have nothing to deal with and the whole thing will blow over. Since you have no evidence, they act like nothing happened.
The cheater may be intelligent and sophisticated, yet when they use this approach, they are acting like a 5-year old who covers his eyes or plugs his ears, to imagine that what is in front of him no longer exists. In this case, they are covering your eyes or ears and telling you that it does not exist. Some cheaters pride themselves on how well they have hidden their dark deeds from you.
You’re assuming that because the cheater denied it that you can not deal with it. That assumption will bring you a load of pain and grief. It will have you always questioning and looking for evidence of the affair. You will be like a hamster on a wheel spinning away looking for something.
So what can you do?
First, start by changing your thinking and approach. Scientist who deal with theoretical physics and some aspects of astronomy often find themselves dealing with phenomena which is theoretical in nature.
They know something exists, yet do not have the physical evidence it does. So what do they do? They work with the symptoms that do exists. The strange patterns, the effects of what they are studying and what does not add up.
When you apply this to affairs, you can deal with the emotional distance in your marriage, the defensiveness, the lack of security that you experience. Start with those items. Rather than try to prove or disprove the affair, work with what you are experiencing.
Deal with the emotional distance, the lack of spontaneity, the insecurities that you are experiencing. Work with your spouse on overcoming these things. That way, you can be dealing with the affair without them ever admitting to the affair.
I talk more about denial and the thinking of cheaters in the e-book, “Why He Cheats”. You’ll be surprised at what you can do when you understand their thinking.
Best Regards,
Jeff
