It is never easy telling children about an affair. When they grow older, it doesn’t make the task any easier. With younger
children, you control the narrative and are able to spin how it is phrased and what it means.
When your children are grown, you no longer can control the spin. You also can not control, direct or even suggest what it means. You know what the affair means to you, but that does not mean the same thing to them.
Adult children will put their own meaning and spin on the affair. Once you tell them, you have lost control over what it means and how it is to be looked at.
For some of you, this is a tough challenge. It is a reminder that your’e no longer in control. You can’t control your spouse or your children. You can’t control what they think or what they do. Telling adult children about the affair will likely reinforce the message that ‘you are not in control’.
Like you, they’ll go through the various stages of shock, denial, anger, etc. They may eventually view it the way that you do, but it often takes time.
They have to work the shocking truth through layers of memories and emotions. That working through takes time. On working through the information, they’ll reach their own conclusions.
Adult children may share in some of your shock. They, like you have lost the family that once existed. To you it was a spouse, to them it was a parent.
There will be a sense of betrayal that both of you share. Although you are both experiencing betrayal, they’re not the same. The betrayal of a spouse may share some similarities as the betrayal of a parent, yet the depth of the hurt and nature of the affair wound is different.
The longer you put off telling them the greater the sense of betrayal they’ll feel. There is betrayal by the cheater and the betrayal of not being told soon enough.
The cheater may assume that because the children are adults, “They will understand”. That ‘understanding’ is often a two edged sword. Yes, they do understand more than young children do.
They also have more history with you, feel a deeper betrayal, and have their own opinions. Just because they are your child does not automatically mean that they will take your side in what happened.
The cheater may also not realize that adult children may ‘hate’ them for what happened more than a young child would or even you do. The cheater often operates in a world filled with assumptions that are based largely on their own selfish view of the world, emotions and events.
That ‘selfish’ perspective keeps them from seeing their actions from the viewpoints of others. They may insist that the adult child ‘see it my way’ or use the phrase ‘if you could only understand where I am coming from’.
That is in itself part of the problem, they are unable to see what they did from where others are coming from, or see it any other way besides their way.
Some adult children may also blame themselves for the affair. Although this is more common in younger children, some adult children carry that tendency into adulthood.
When an adult child does that, there is the wound of the affair AND the wound of self-blame. In situations where there is an intensive double-wounding, you will need to exercise some carefulness.
It is also important in telling adult children about the affair to present the material honestly and straight forwardly. Trying to candy coat it will come across as condescending.
The bottom line is …just because they are adults, telling your children about the affair is never an easy thing.
Best Regards,
Jeff
