Is it possible to be Monogamous?

There are more and more articles and columns addressing whether or not humans are meant to be monogamous. With these articles comes the accompanying discussions about monogamy.

People are actually asking if you can be monogamous.  Thirty years ago, such questions would be considered ‘fringe’ topics and be dismissed as being preposterous or even stupid.

The questions of monogamy are often  asked by fringe thinkers promoting polygamous lifestyles or excusing their own licentiousness. Whether using primitive jungle tribes or animals as their reference points, they promote the idea that polygamy is part of our genetic make-up.

Take a look at some the early ‘thinkers’ who raised the question of monogamy. Consider Margaret Mead, or her husband, Gregory Bateson and their lifestyles. Their ideas were often as radical as their lifestyles.  While questioning monogamy, they were sleeping around themselves.

Many in the public are more aware of their ideas than their lifestyle, so you don’t see the source ‘in context’. The colleges and institutions promoting their ideas don’t tell you about their lifestyle and values.

If you tell your spouse that ‘talk is cheap’ and that you want them to show that they love you rather than just tell you things, you know the importance of looking at behaviors rather than just listening to the talk. You look for evidence that supports the words coming out of your spouse’s mouth.

When you apply that standard to your spouse, consider applying it to those promoting polygamy, like Mead and Bateson. Look at what they “do” rather than only listening to what they said or wrote. Their actions convey their real life message more than their talk.

If you believe Mead and Bateson without proof, yet you demand proof from your spouse, something is wrong!

Thinkers like Mead and Bateson and their modern cohorts want you thinking that ‘polygamy is natural’. Sure, if you give into your primitive animal instincts, many anti-social behaviors are ‘natural’.

I’ve found that in responding to these ideas, I ‘consider the source’. Those promoting the idea that ‘polygamy is natural’  have an agenda of one sort or another. They want to either justify their own polygamy or subscribe to an anti-family agenda.

There are also some writers who attack monogamy for its shock value or to sell their own books. Since shocking statements often increase readership, these types typically resurface every other year when newspapers or journals are looking for a bump in readership.

In the past, I’ve dismissed such ideas as ‘fringe’ elements justifying their own brand of licentiousness. Since these fringe questions are now entering main stream consciousness,  they need to be addressed.

Even if you’ve never entertained these ideas, the likelihood is that you’ll encounter those who do. They may want to discuss those questions with you. In some cases, cheaters have used these ideas to justify their actions.

As humans, we have many instincts and genetic predispositions. You have a choice of either giving into the primitive aspects of your being or rising above those elements.

Sure, you share genetic material with many animals, but that does not make you an animal. Sure, you can act like a dog, get down on all fours and bark, but it does not change who you are. You are not a dog, you are human acting like a dog.

In a similar manner, you can engage in primitive behaviors like polygamy, you could also go outside and pee on every tree that you find, but that does not change who you are. You have the choice of whether you give into your lower or your higher nature.

So in response to the question, ‘Can you be monogamous?‘, my response is “Yes!” . You can choose to be monogamous. You can choose to be loyal to one spouse. You can choose to bond with them and no other.

Maintaining that relationship often means being selfless, exercising self-discipline, and exercising your higher nature. You may have to use things like honesty, prayer, and self-disclosure in maintaining your commitments. You will have to be a man or woman who honors their commitments, especially your marriage commitment.

Being monogamous is a stark contrast to polygamy which emphasizes selfishness, self-gratification, and sexual performance. When you remove all the barriers and allow your lower instincts to control you, sensuality becomes all-important. At that point, you throw morals out the window and live by the saying “If it feels good, do it”.

The more you give into it, the more developed the lower nature becomes. The more it demands satisfaction. Gratification of your sensual desires becomes all consuming. There will never be enough sex, enough indulgence, enough pleasure.

Like the old Indian story regarding the two dogs that live inside you. You have those two natures, which are often in conflict with each other. One is lower nature, the other is higher nature.

The one that you feed will become dominant. The one you give into will control more and more of you, more of your thinking, more of your behavior, more of your emotions. You will have to consider “Which dog will you feed today?”

Sure, you can act like an animal and give into your lower nature, claiming that “This is the way I was born” or you can rise above it. You can be a man or woman with maturity and show that you are capable of making and standing by your marriage commitments. You can choose monogamy.

Which nature are you going to give into today?

If you have given into your lower nature and want to change things, the Affair Recovery Workshop” gives you the guidance and direction you need for turning your marriage around.

Those drives and urges you struggle with are often mishandled needs for intimacy, communication and connection that are missing from your marriage. Rather than lose hope, order the workshop today and start turning your marriage around.

Best Regards,

Jeff