The other morning my wife and I were discussing affairs over our morning coffee. She asked me some questions about the the healing process and what is needed in light of what we are discovering in reviewing the findings of the Affair Recovery Inventory.
It quickly became clear that resistance is an issue that has to be addressed by many couples. Resistance is always present. The amount of resistance varies from couple to couple. Even though how it shows up varies, it always does. Not only does it show up, it has to be worked through.
Many of you may not recognize resistance when you are doing it. It is easy to see in your spouse, but not so easy to see in yourself.
It may show up as ‘denial’ where you refuse to see or acknowledge some aspect of the affair and what happened. Whether it is denial about what your are feeling, denial about what actually happened, denial about how it impacts you or denial about the need for urgent action. These are all forms of resistance.
Some resistance shows up in not seeking help for the affair or refusing to discuss aspects of it.
Some of the denial is encouraged by popular culture which often wants to diminish the ‘wrongness’ or affairs. Contemporary Post-Modern Society as a whole prefer seeing affairs as ‘natural’ events. They do not want to see them as ‘wrong’ or sinful. Part is this is to remove any association of the affair with guilt. This is an active attempt at social engineering and also part of society’s denial. If you or your spouse are the type of people that prefer to ‘go with the flow’, you will be vulnerable to social trends like this. In such cases, you may find yourself surrounded by such thinking which supports your attempts at resisting dealing with the affair and its effects.
Resistance to dealing with affair also shows up as a reluctance to get help or to get help now. You may find yourself putting off doing something about the affair. This is part of your own resistance. You may package it as shame or tell yourself “I’m just not ready yet”. Your putting off is often more palatable when you tell yourself such things. When you start calling resistance what it is, it forces you to change how you look at and deal with things.
The drugs and alcohol you indulge in are…more forms of resistance. In this case, you are numbing yourself out to avoid dealing with the pain. The very thing that could wake you up to reality is what you are running from. Pain is a wake up call, that you need to take care of something. Blocking it out is running from problems. Even if the doctor prescribed them, if they numb your feelings or mood, they are part of your resistance.
Part of your resistance may also be in blaming the cheater for everything. It is easy to blame them and not examine your role in things. They make for a convenient resistance. When you are in full-blown blaming, you are blind to anything you are saying or doing.When your eyes are always on them, you don’t have to look at what you are doing. How convenient. Yes, they did you wrong. That does not automatically mean that you did not contribute anything to either the affair or recovery. Healing means each of you will have to assume responsibility for your own thoughts, actions and attitudes.
As weird as it sounds, you may be resisting the healing that you are wanting. I often ask couples, “Do you want to be healed?” On hearing that question, they are often taken aback. “Of course, we want to be healed!” is often their first reaction. at that point I solicit their cooperation in the healing task. Once I have their cooperation, then I can begin confronting resistances to that healing in their marriage. That simple question gains their cooperation with me, which if often needed in confronting and working through resistances. This is part of breaking through the first resistances.
Do you want to be healed?
Let us start on that process…
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
