You have heard the old saying “Time heals all wounds.” But when it comes to affairs, that old saying no longer applies.
The emotional toxin that comes with affairs has no expiration date. That means that revealing an “old” affair will still do damage, even though it was over years ago.
Even affairs from generations past can be toxic. Discovering an affair by an ancestor destroys their reputation and leaves a shameful stain on their descendants. The “free love” and “Playboy Philosophy” mindsets may give you license to indulge your hedonism without guilt for a while, but it does not remove the toxin that persists over generations.
Researchers may tell you that humans are not meant to be monogamous, but keep in mind that their research is either based on the study of animals, or promoting the libertine thinking of the enlightenment or the more hipster-like ‘post-moderns’.
The thinkers who promoted those ideas—which were the Playboy Philosophers of that time period—only sought to excuse their philandering.
Each of these approaches, along with other “progressive” or “forward-thinking” approaches only “kick the can” of guilt a little farther down the road. It just so happens that if you can call it “science,” it gives the cheater a potentially excusable exit. (Bear in mind that what is referred to as settled science keeps changing from year to year. If it was really settled, then why does it keep changing?
I am reminded of what my dad often said: “There is no such thing as science, only scientists.” When it comes to affairs, there is no established science— only a lot of people coming up with ideas to excuse their own weirdness.
Each of these “progressive” approaches to affairs puts off the guilt reaction for a while. Although these approaches tell you that you can be guilt-free, the reality is that they provide layaway plans for guilt reactions. They put off your initial guilt reaction, but it will eventually come.
Even old affairs continue bringing pain. About the only exception are the affairs that you engaged in prior to marriage. If you have had an affair or your spouse has had an affair during your marriage, it damages your marriage. Even when you do not discuss it or mention it, there is damage.
Thinking that refusing to discuss an affair keeps it isolated, where it can do no damage, is simply fooling yourself. Anytime you keep things from your spouse, you will end up damaging your marriage.
By refusing to talk about it, you are being selfish. The mental magic of “If I don’t talk about it, it won’t do any damage” does not work. Whether the affair is talked about or not, the cover-up and withholding of information ends up damaging your marriage.
Affairs damage marriages. That is a truth that you have to accept. They weaken them by damaging trust. The more lies and secrecy you surround the affair with, the more the potential damage.
Whoever coined the phrase “Time heals all wounds” did not understand how the pain of trauma works. With traumatic pains, time becomes irrelevant. When you are hurt badly enough, it is as if time stands still. Even years later, the sensations associated with the pain are very real.
When you are dealing with an affair, you are dealing with a wound that is very deep and very personal. Whether or not you intended it to be a rejection, it was a rejection. In order to have an affair, you have to reject one person in favor of another. That is one of the many reasons affairs are taken personally.
The more lies you tell, the more damage you do. Lies make the wound deeper. This also applies to the time factor. The more you cover up or withhold over the years, the more damage is done.
A one-night stand that could have been dealt with 15 years ago can turn into full-blown obstacle that seems impossible to overcome. If anything, time multiplies the impact of the affair rather than lessening it.
What does all this mean?
- It means that refusing to talk about the affair will not lessen its impact or make it go away.
- It means that old affairs are still toxic.
- It means that it is best to deal with affairs as soon as possible.
- It means that, when you die, the pain and shame of your affair does not stop.
If you are facing an affair situation—even an old one—you will want to consider the Affair Recovery Workshop. It will provide you with the tools needed to move your marriage forward and improve your relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Treachery is treachery, whether to a spouse or a whole family; whether financially, emotionally, socially, sexually. Yes, it colors the next generations. Zillions of ballads have been written on the topic through the ages.
Antonia,
You are absolutely correct, “Treachery is treachery”. The pain is one of the hurts that keeps on giving through the generations. Traitors of nations and families are often viewed as being despicable. That is not the kind of heritage I would want surrounding my name in the family tree generations from now.