Have you considered the repercussions of an affair? Chances are, the cheater has not. You may have considered those things, but the cheater has not. Had they considered the repercussions versus the benefits of the affair, they would have not chosen the affair.
In considering the repercussions of an affair, a couple of areas will be examined. We will look at the theology behind them, and then the science behind them.
Do you even think that there will be repercussions? Some cheaters assume that there will not be. They may believe in the existence of God, but they do not think that God will notice what they are doing.
They dismiss the warnings about “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder'” (Matthew 19:6). Remember, it’s not just you that they think they are smarter than.
Since they do not believe that God will take action, they falsely assume that the repercussions will be limited to your reactions and some minimal fallout. In their mind, they can handle that. They don’t consider that there will be repercussions, or that those repercussions impact many relationships beyond the affair.
They may even go so far as to assume that “God would not want me to be unhappy,” and, by extension, “God wants me to be happy.” With each of these positions, there is no place for repercussions. Their personal theology may also be one where they play the role of god in their life, and no room is left for anyone else.
When the cheater is the boss of their life, there is an assumption that they are above the law—whether it be the law of God, or even the laws of science. In their mind, if they decide there will be not repercussions. Then they falsely assume that none will occur.
When considering repercussions, you need to first consider what they are. They are the natural forces that occur in reaction to an initial use of force. In music, they are the sound that bounces back after the initial strike on a percussion instrument. The repercussion is a force that pushes back.
This means that repercussions are NOT punishment. They are NOT karma, and they are NOT paybacks or revenge. Repercussions are the naturally occurring push back from the initial action. Any punishment, moral fallout, or payback from an affair is a whole other matter.
In relationships, an affair violates the marriage relationship. When that relationship is violated, whether intentionally or unintentionally, there will be an effect.
The stronger the ties that held the two of you together, the stronger the reaction. The two of you are held together by relationship bonds. When those bonds are violated, there will be an effect.
This is simple physics. When you break strong bonds, there will be strong reactions.
What will that reaction be? It often varies from relationship to relationship. Although there is individuality in how the reaction is displayed, there will be a reaction of some sort. In some cases, that initial release of energy brought on by the betrayal and breaking of the bond leads to a chain reaction.
Even in science, basic physics tells you that when the energy bonds that hold two objects together is severed, there will be a release of energy. Physics also tells you that there are times when what seem to be small energy bonds often release large amounts of energy.
Not only is energy released, but the whole nature of the relationship changes. In a similar way, after there has been an affair, your marriage relationship changes in some way. It will not be the same after there has been an affair.
Next, the release of energy will be equal to or greater than the energy expended to break that bond. If you remember Newton’s cradles, you likely recall what happens when you allowed one of the balls to hit the remaining ones. There was a reaction on the other end, and that reaction was at least equal to the initial force.
You may ask, “Why all the talk about science? I was wanting to know about marriage relationships.” I make the science reference because your marriage is also a relationship that involves energy bonds and how a system reacts when force is used to change it.
There will be reactions or repercussions after an affair. You cannot cheat these repercussions. They will happen. When you exert force and push, there will be another force or reaction that pushes back. This is simple action-reaction dynamics.
It happens with percussion instruments, it happens in physics, and it happens in marriage relationships.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
My wife has left .The affair she was having only lasted 4 months and she is running wild posting nude pics of herself to strangers.She went to a christian school for 13 years and grew up in the church so she knows what she is doing is wrong,but the Bible says it is better not to have known the Lord than to have known him and turn away .I am worried about her soul and how far she will turn away from God. I pray all most non stop for her, but she has free will.She has issues that stem from childhood.I could never get her to compromise on anything our marriage, it was her way or no way.So I let her do what she wanted to knowing what would happen,like waiting to watch a train wreck.I knew that a marriage had to be done Gods way but she thought she knew better,so here we are 12 years later ,her playing the harlot.God have mercy on here soul before its to late. God will let her go only so far before he intervenes.
Perry,
Thank you for writing. My heart ached as I read your post. It is sad hearing about when someone who knows better does such things. It sounds like she has some issues with God, more than issues with you. From what you describe, it sounds like she is rebelling against God more than turning from you. It still hurts, even when you understand the motives. She does have free will and Biblically, you are still in the role of spiritual headship.
Being her husband, you are in a unique position to intercede on her behalf. Much like Hosea interceding for his wayward wife Gomer, you can do so with your wife. It will require some fervent praying and learning some new ways of loving her in a way that gets through. Hosea’s prayer is a good place to start. You may have to watch the train wreck and then lovingly help her recover from it. Hosea had to watch Gomer hit rock bottom and then help her up in a loving and caring manner rather than a condemning and condescending fashion. It is often hard to keep from condemning a spouse when you are in such a situation. The anger, disgust, pain and other emotions make loving them quite a challenge.
I like this article. The cheater just doesn’t get it. He seems to think that once he finally said sorry, it shouldn’t be mentioned again. No, wrong. The cheater hates having to admit they destroyed something. They want to keep telling themselves they were justified. They can’t stand to take any blame. They will meet their maker someday. Explain it to God.
Robin,
Thank you for sharing your comments. It means a lot hearing that you liked the article. You are right, some cheaters just don’t get it. They do not understand that saying they are sorry is not going to fix things. The repentance is a start, but just a start. My own experience is that repentance (asking for forgiveness) involves not only admitting what they did was wrong, it also has to include asking for forgiveness PLUS acknowledging the damage that was done, including assuming full responsibility for it PLUS taking steps to repair that damage. Sadly, many stop at just saying they are sorry and do not move past it. I realize that in many cases, that is all they were ever taught.
Few people know how to go about restoring marital relationships after damaging them. His justifying what he did and not accepting any blame will keep things stuck for a while. Cheaters often have a hard time coming to grips with how a relationship that made them feel so good, so hopeful and so renewed did so much damage and is so WRONG. It often takes them a while to make that 180 degree change in thinking.
They will have to answer to God for what they did as we all will. The scary thing is that He will see through the excuses, see through what is actually in their heart and see through all the ‘so called good intentions’.
He may need some help understanding what forgiveness really is all about and what it entails.