Today I want to talk with you about “Affairs and the Numbers Game”.
In the aftermath of an affair, you may find yourself caught up in gamemanship with the cheater. This is an awkward period where both of you resort to playing games with each other rather than deal with the real issues (or the moose on the table for my Northern friends).
It is always easier talking around subjects than to address them head on. Addressing them head-on requires making hard choices, courage and honesty. Although directly dealing with the issues would be best, there is the constant temptation to make soft, easy choices.
One of the games that often gets played which you may have fallen for is the ‘numbers game’. This game is especially popular with those who avoid dealing with kind of morals or guidance with Biblical origins. When any kind of objective standard or means of evaluating behavior is tossed out, you are at risk for the numbers game.
In the numbers game, each side works at getting the numbers in their favor. Whether it be magazine articles, so-called ‘scientific’ studies/surveys, or even friends and family. Since all objective measure of right and wrong have been tossed, each side attempts proving their points with having either larger numbers or the agreement of ‘key’ people.
There are often subtle variations, yet the game play remains that whoever has the most on their side is considered ‘right’. When a couple resorts to playing a numbers game, it often becomes a popularity contest of seeing who is more liked, you or the cheater.
In my mind, everyone loses in the numbers game. The real issues are not addressed, and all the two of you have done is determined who has better social skills, personality and popularity. Knowing such things are not going to help your marriage recover from an affair.
The very issues that the two of you have been avoiding are the ones that need attention. Dancing around them only delays healing. There are many ways of dancing around, from ‘half-answers’, to side ways jigs where you change the topic, to playing helpless by resorting to “I was born this way…”.
Developing good communication between the two of you is critical for recovery. That is why I spend so much time on ways of improving marital communication in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Your marriage is important. It is too important to waste time playing relationship games rather than moving ahead with healing.
Best Regards,
Jeff
