I’m tired of hearing about ‘the affair’

Are you or your spouse tired of hearing about ‘the affair’?  When such an emotionally charged issue as an affair is brought up in discussion, there is a price tag. Anytime you address an emotional issue, there is a possibility that it will leave you feeling drained.

At one point in our lives, my wife and I often referred to the holidays and the Hell-i-days since they were often filled with high drama, unrealistic expectations and conflicts. We dreaded when they were approaching, endured them when they happened, and often found ourselves feeling drained and wanting to collapse when they were over.

There is always plenty of drama when you combine dysfunctional families and the holidays. Combine several dysfunctional families and it becomes a circus, with each family having its own bigtop ring where performances occurred.  On top of this, as a therapist, I often found myself handling crisis calls and emotional emergencies of clients where were struggling through the holidays as well.

I often asked myself, “how did all this begin?”

The answer was, “with an affair”.

Although the affair was long over in the mid-seventies, the shockwaves continued year after year for decades afterwards.

I understand how you may not want to talk about the affair. Talking about what happened and the reactions to it gets old. I saw how people (mainly those involved) got tired of hearing about ‘the affair’. They did not want to discuss it any further. For them it was all about blame. They did not want to be blamed for things and they for sure did not want to hear about all the secondary damage done to relationships, the ability to trust or how it messed up relationships.

When there was no discussion about what happened, how couple there be any moving forward to a better place?

In my case, dealing with the fallout from the affair got old as well. Dealing with the baggage from it got old. What made matters worse was that neither I nor my wife had an affair. It was not fair that we had to deal with other people’s trash, when we did not make the mess. I was always taught that you clean up the messes you make. In this case, those who made the mess were not even discussing the mess, much less cleaning anything up.

Our parents made the mess, and we were left with the emotional and relational garbage to deal with.  They were tired of hearing about ‘the affair’. Those involved with the affair did not want to deal with it, so I was left navigating step family issues, self-esteem issues, rejection issues and unpleasant fears from all what seemed every side and direction.

Although it is not something you want to deal it, you need to address it. I understand that you may be tired of hearing about ‘the affair’. In working through it, you may need to discuss it again and again.It could be that either you or your spouse were not fully listening the first time around.

If you are discussing it again and again, it may be that you do not know what you and your spouse need to talk about.

If you find yourself talking over the same issues again and again, you are likely in a communication loop rather than making progress on important issues concerning the affair.

There are many reasons for staying in such communication loops. In some cases, you may find the communication loop your preferred way of dealing with the affair, since it means the two of you can keep a strained status quo and no one has to change anything. It is like staying in a relationship holding pattern.

The loops also mean that talking is going on, yet neither of you are connecting with each other. The two of you may have been having your say about the affair, but there has been little heart to heart connection in dealing with it.

If you want to move ahead, and avoid such communication loops, I address this issue in detail in the Affair Recovery Workshop. I included this section because many couples know that they need to ‘talk’, but they really do not know what they need to talk about. If you are stuck in the communication loop or dysfunctional relationship hell, it could be that you and your spouse are not addressing the important issues that need addressing.

Most people are unaware of what they need to address. Where would you have learned what topics need attention? You likely did not talk to other couples going through affairs asking them “Hey, can you give me some pointers on things that we need to talk about? Tell us what we need to know about hidden needs, avoidance, overcoming intimacy issues and ways to keep the lines of communication open. ”

If you have discussed such matters, good for you. You are way ahead of others. If you haven’t, you’re not alone. Most couples either suffer in silence or hold onto the idea that ‘time heals all wounds’ then avoid discussing the affair and related issues until it blows over. They think that just giving things time will fix everything.

I can tell you that waiting until the storm is over for you does not mean it is ‘healed’ for everyone touched by the affair. I spent decades going through high drama conflicts because others avoided talking about ‘the affair’. With time, they adjusted to their new realities, but adjusting to new realities is not healing.

Remember, just because you are not hurting or you are tired of hearing about ‘the affair’ does not mean that, the damage from the affair has healed.

Best Regards,

Jeff