Going through through the gut-wrenching pain of indecision is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, even my neighbor’s obnoxious yappy dogs. When you are faced with indecision, you feel torn in many directions at the same time. Not only are you torn in all those directions, you may even feel the pain associated with each choice.
Several years ago, I visited the World War I battlefield known as Hartmanswillerkopf. A heaviness still hangs over the battlefield, even nearly 100 years since the fighting there. Like the Alamo of my home State, this is a shrine to the 30,000 who died here. Locals walking through the nearby forest still find old rusty rifles and broken war machinery from the struggle.
In walking the grounds, it became clear how horrible it would have been to be in “no-man’s land”. Stuck between the two warring factions, with their heavy war machinery, cannons and bombs. There was no “safe place”. The nearby museum contains a recreated environment which visitors walk through and gain insights into the horror of such an experience.
The gut-wrenching pain of indecision reminds me of going through “no-man’s land”. You find yourself stuck between unpleasant choices. It is truly a no-win situation at the time you face it.
The “no-man’s land” of indecision puts you in a place where you are vulnerable to both sides while belonging to neither. There is no escape, no going back, no going forward. You feel stuck and immobile. This is a nightmare if you want to “keep the peace” or “play nice”.
Removing yourself from indecision is possible. You don’t have to stay stuck.
First, you choose doing the right thing. If that is not clear, then choose not doing the wrong thing. The really hard choice is often between two potentially good options. Instead of choosing between right and wrong, it becomes choosing the better of the options.
If you have a Biblical foundation, then making such a moral choice is clear. When you do not have such a foundation, things can get murky fast. The choices become moral quagmires. You can make a case for either, which leaves you doing neither.
Having a clear moral compass helps in finding your way.
Next, consider what is best for you instead of what pleases everyone else. (I go deeper into the reasons for this in the “Affair Crisis” webinar). When you are driven to please others, it makes choices harder. When you try pleasing others, their emotions are often weighed heavier in your considerations than your own. That may help in day to day marital questions, but during affair recovery, the rules often change. The relationship changes, so the relationship rules change.
What is important is choosing. Staying indecisive is choosing for passivity. Being passive is a sure way of getting mowed down. I can’t count the number of deer in my neighborhood mowed down yearly due to their indecisiveness when on-coming cars are barreling downhill towards them.
Making choices amounts to moving out of the way of oncoming traffic. If nothing else, getting out of the way of oncoming traffic is a choice that protects you.
Once you begin making choices, there will be more. This is not to scare you. The choices come easier after the initial one gets you unstuck.
Best Regards,
Jeff
