I cringe hearing “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Even when it’s only said as part of a movie or show, it still has me cringing.
The statement leaves you guessing. It has many multiple meanings. With so many possible meanings, when you are told such a statement, you’ll want to find out what it means.
The statement itself is contradictory. It leaves you uncertain as to what your status in a relationship is. Are you loved or not? Are they committed to you or not? The statement leaves your status in limbo.
If taken literally, the statement conveys confusion and uncertainty. The person making the statement is unsure of what their feelings are. To put it simply, they are being double-minded. This is a way of conveying their double-mindedness to you.
What is unclear is whether the double-mindedness is limited to emotions or whether they are double-minded or ambivalent about their commitment to your marriage.
On another level, they could be telling you that the emotional rush of being ‘in love’ is waning. The ‘thrill’ or chemical rush of endorphins is not what it used to be.
The waning of an endorphin rush is natural. You body only has a limited supply of endorphins and the chemical components that they are made from. It is the equivalent of running out of emotional gas. Those endorphins can be replenished and the feelings rekindled.
In other words, those feelings can come back in full force. The question then becomes whether or not your spouse is committed enough to stay in the relationship with you during that rebuilding time.
Over time, them chemicals in your body changes. Expecting the endorphin rush to stay the same and maintain levels of intensity is an unrealistic expectation. Your body can’t do it and expecting it to is …just not going to happen. Unfortunately many couple have marital expectations shaped by television and the movies to the point that they really believe they can experience life in ‘full tilt boogie’ mode for years.
When the ‘full tilt boogie’ intensity is not there, they are disappointed. Since there are some unrealistic expectations, they are not going to entertain the possibility that the source may be in themselves. Instead, they will assume that you are at fault. You are the reason they are no longer operating in ‘full tilt boogie’ mode.
In my own mind, I often ask “Do they even know what love is?” With all the massive propaganda thrown at the public, I find that they have been given a cardboard cutout version of love rather than shown what true love is.
They have something that looks like love and makes for some good photo ops, but it’s not real love. It can be conveniently carried around, held up in parades and protests, yet it’s not real love. The cardboard cut-out version doesn’t convey any self-sacrifice, self-restraint or commitment that real love has.
Sure, the cardboard cut out version triggers emotional reactions, but they are often surface level reactions. With cardboard cut outs, when one wears out, you get a newer, fresher one to replace it with. That way you can keep the emotional triggers going without commitment.
When one of you says, I love you, but I’m not in love with you”, it’s a sure sign that your relationship need help. We have resources that can help your relationship through those times.
Best Regards,
Jeff
