When an affair happens, you begin questioning everything, including items like breast size, whether your sexy enough and other items. That questioning can at times take on a morbid introspection.
You may begin suspecting all your flaws as reasons for your spouse’s cheating. The problem with the morbid introspection of your flaws is that it puts the predominant focus on you.
You may have played a role in the affair, yet you didn’t make the choice to cheat. If the cheater mentions your flaws, it’s likely a distraction from what the real issues are.
The cheater may have a long laundry list of your faults. Keep in mind, that when the cheater chooses infidelity, they begin looking for excuses. Some cheaters are intuitive and know which buttons to push. They mention those sensitive flaws they know will trigger you.
So when the cheater triggers you, where does the problem lie?
The problem lies with the cheater’s thinking. They obsess on having the affair. This obsession amplifies the good qualities of the lover and also amplifies your flaws. At this point, they begin looking for plausible excuses for the affair. If they can identify your breast size as an excuse, they will. (I address the amplification of qualities along with the role of fantasies in affairs in greater detail in the Affair Recovery Workshop).
This fault finding and blaming is common. Like a criminal defense lawyer working to get their guilty client off the hook, they are searching for excuses. Anything that sounds plausible is tried. If they can get you thinking that your breast size or some other fault is behind the affair, they’ll do it.
They will exploit any area where you are are self-conscious. The more sensitive the more effective it’ll be. Their exploitation is intended to get you questioning yourself instead of questioning them.
When an affair happens, the natural tendency for some of you is questioning yourself. Cheaters may take advantage of this and push you into greater morbid introspection with phrases like “Who could love you?”, “Who would want to be married so someone like you?” “Who could blame me for cheating?” and so on. Each of these questions redirect you back to morbid introspection.
That morbid self-introspection is often called “belly gazing”. It’s when you put your focus on yourself and your own faults. The problem is not your breast size. If the cheater identifies that as an issue, they are throwing out excuses and distractions. It’s their hope that you take the bait and fall for it.
As long as you focus on your faults, you’re not pressuring them. They are no longer under scrutiny.
Best Regards,
Jeff
