Jeanine pointed her finger and angrily blurted out “He’s a misogynist!” In response to her accusation, Roger rolled his eyes as if saying “Here she goes again.” Jeanine began replaying a monologue. From Roger’s expression, he had heard this performance many times before.
She said she wanted to save her marriage, yet her performance was pushing Roger further and further away from her. She went over a laundry list of Roger’s faults and how good she had been to him. Her speech brought a feeling of rigid prickliness into the room.
After finishing her diatribe, she turned to me and finished with “now you can see why I call him a misogynist” and promptly crossed her arms.
When the session was over, she asked me a series of questions about whether or not I had read books explaining what she described. Jeanine was obsessed with misogyny and wanted to make sure I was on the same page with her.
Her questions took on the tone of a job interviewer exploring my qualifications. It was as if she was saying “If you haven’t read selections from my approved reading list, you’re not qualified to counsel me on this.”
Misogyny for those of you unfamiliar with the word is a label used in identifying men who are considered ‘women haters’. This is not like the old ‘Spanky and out Gang’ version of the ‘he man, woman haters club’ but rather a new strain of relationship issue.
Jeanine used the term like a club, bashing anything Roger did that was not pleasing to her.
You may be in a similar situation. Living with a misogynist or someone who’s obsessed with misogyny has some challenges. When you’re faced with such challenges, how can you deal with them?
- Stop the name calling. Whether you’re the misogynist or the one obsessed with misogyny the name calling doesn’t help. In previous generations, the term “Son Of A Bitch” was the name calling term of the day. As I point out in the Affair Recovery Workshop, name calling only creates distance. Even when you think the ‘name’ explains things, all it actually does is create distance between the two of you. Calling your spouse a misogynist may be keeping the two of you from addressing the real issue of broken trust and hurt feelings.
- Realize that some books are dangerous for your marriage. If the book creates more problems than it solves or pushes the two of you further apart, it’s destructive to your marriage. Even though a good friend recommended it to you, if it creates dissatisfaction and increases the distance between the two of you, it’s dangerous. You’ll need to get rid of it, no matter how trendy it is.
- Avoid using the latest labels in confronting your spouse. Although it’s popular to use the latest terms. It may actually alienate them instead of improving communication. The term misogynist is in vogue, yet it disrupts communication rather than helps it. Your words may actually be part of the communication problem between the two of you. Use terms that communicate clearly with your spouse. This is why I emphasize the importance of communicating for understanding rather than agreement.
- No one enjoys living with a hater. Hatred pushes people away. When either of you have been insensitive to the other, resolve those issues quickly. Unresolved or ignored issues turn into hatred. Your marriage can survive hurts, but few marriages ever survive resentment and hate.
- Make yourself lovable and approachable. When you rant, show disrespect or scream at your spouse, you make yourself unlovable. If my wife ranted like Jeanine, I’d have a hard time wanting to get close to her as well. What you call misogyny may actually be a symptom rather than the problem itself. Your reaction to that symptom can be making it worse. If you want to be loved, you’ve got to be lovable. Likewise if you want your husband to trust you, show that you’re trustworthy.
I mention misogyny in relation to affairs since pushing your spouse away or getting to the point where there is real hatred makes affairs look attractive. Dealing with communication issues before they become extreme is always a good idea.
Best Regards,
Jeff
