After our home renovation, I frequently find myself searching for things that I used to know the location of. Although we’ve found most of our belongings and goods, there are still some items that remain elusive.
My search takes me into closets and climbs through the attic. It brings a new sense of being ‘overwhelmed’ each time. My mind thinks it knows and discovers that what it knows is incorrect.
No matter how organized we thought we were, some items remain undiscovered. At this point, I am still searching for my turntable and one set of my wife’s Pyrex cookware.
It’s rare that a day goes by without me conducting a search for some item. They aren’t lost, just located somewhere different than they were before.
Going on the search reminds me of how cheaters go searching for justifications for what they did. While you focus on searching for what happened with the affair, they are searching for their justification.
At first, the cheater’s search involves reading through advice and self-help articles. They are looking for a way of saying what they did was ‘normal’ and that they are okay.
In advanced cases, they start reading Scripture looking for loop holes and work arounds concerning what they did. They still have to find a peace in their mind for what happened. The assumption is that some back door exists that excuses what they did.
Their conscience knows what they did was wrong. In order to appease the prick of their conscience, they search for outs and exceptions.
‘The search’ is what drives their ‘word games’. They will redefine terms so that you and they are talking about two different things.
Those word games are not a sign that the cheater has lost their mind. Instead they show how the cheater is using their mind in getting lost in the affair.
Terms like ‘fidelity’, ‘affair’, ‘commitment’, ‘monogamy’ and ‘cheating’ may not mean to you what it means to them. This is why the two of you need a clear definition of terms when discussing the affair.
The term ‘lost in translation’ takes on a new importance during this part of affair recovery. Not only do words not mean what you thought they mean, the cheater uses words in a way to leave you feeling lost and confused.
Don’t panic, you’re getting a sample of what they’re experiencing in their mind.
It’s during these times that having a support group can help you get your head back on straight and clear your mind. This is where the support community at Restored Lifestyle can help you. Membership gives you access to others and to articles guiding you through affair recovery.
At Restored Lifestyle, I share about the importance of identifying root causes behind infidelity along with ways of gaining clarity on them and where to start looking for them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
