A few days ago I mentioned the surprises found in the Affair Recovery Index findings. The one finding that sent off alarm bells for me was the extent of suicidal and homicidal thoughts reported.
In putting together the survey, I included questions on suicidal and homicidal thoughts as a safety measure. In my mind, the shock of finding out about an affair is concerning enough that it may push some people to ‘the edge’.
I saw this in my own family and wanted to know how prevalent this was across the board. I suspected the number was about 10%. The initial results showed that that my suspicions were right.
What concerned me was the number of people avoiding answering the question. The avoidance of answering told me that there is discomfort with the topic. When I analyzed the discomfort as verification of them having such thoughts, the number reporting suicidal or homicidal thoughts climbed to over 30%.
Consider what that means. About a third of you dealing with affairs experience suicidal or homicidal thoughts. That is concerning and at the same time probably a truer representation of what you’re experiencing.
Reading the letters and comments you send tell me that even that number doesn’t fully convey the pain some of you experienced.
This survey result translates to any affair amounts to playing Russian Roulette with two bullets in the chamber. As Clint Eastwood’s character, Dirty Harry asked, “Do you feel lucky?”
Although you likely won’t act on those thoughts, it doesn’t lessen the pain you feel while going through them. I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone or weird for thinking them at times.
When you love deeply, you’re going to hurt deeply. That’s the reality of relationships.
Your mind struggles finding ways of expressing the deep hurt and rage you’re experiencing. Instead, it looks for shortcuts and quick fixes, which is where such unsavory thoughts originate.
When you have such thoughts, view them as a cry for help. When you need help, get some. Don’t ignore the need for help or let pride prevent asking for it.
There are times when even a few encouraging words or direction will get you through a tough moment. One place you can get help is by joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There I talk more about ways of dealing with such discomforting thoughts.
There, you’ll also find articles on overcoming unwanted thoughts, which guides you in what to do. It’s like an instruction manual for your brain in dealing with the thoughts.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
2 Responses
I would bet if people were truly honest, it would be 80 plus. I had suicidal thoughts. No homicidal but definitely was ready to go hit someone or several individuals. Maybe the amount of yes depends on time spent with? I was over 20 years into a relationship. At that point you realize how many years you wasted on a potential lie……
Anonymous,
I appreciate your honesty concerning the thoughts of violence. An affair is taken as such a personal attack, the urge to lash back personally is high.
I am not aware of any studies that have looked at the number of years married and potential for violence (whether thoughts or actual acts). The sudden blow of realizing that the large number of years invested is quite a stunner. Having 20 years ripped out from under you is an aggravating realization.
I am not sure whether the years make the difference or the intensity of the attachment. I’ve seen some couples married for years that aren’t very attached. I’ll have to see what researchers turn up.
Jeff