One of the fears associated with cheating is telling family members about it. I was reminded of this when a reader wanted to know “How to tell family members about their affair.”
In most situations, they already know or suspect cheating. They sense that something isn’t right. In those cases, the issue isn’t telling them about the affair as much as it is about admitting to the affair.
Admitting that an affair is going on is one hurdle. The healing comes when the cheater admits to the affair and that it’s wrong. Just admitting they had an affair only begins the healing process.
Part of the challenge is admitting the affair without having them pile on or take up resentments themselves. It’s important that clear boundaries are established regarding what is their problem and what is your problem.
You need to make it clear that it’s not up to them to fix the problem or take revenge. You just need them to hear you out.
Change doesn’t start happening until they admit that the affair was wrong and that they want to make things right. Coming face to face with the wrongness of an affair amounts to a confession.
Confessing the affair to family moves the healing process forward along several dimensions. There’s something about admitting faults to family members that bring reality to a situation that has been driven by fantasies.
Another caveat about telling family is that “If they aren’t part of the problem or part of the solution, they don’t need to be included.” It’s one thing if you’re doing it for accountability, but quite another if you’re telling them for gossip’s sake.
Having the right motivation for telling family is important. Telling them the wrong motivations can end up creating more problems later on. The main problem is that family members tend to take sides and pick up offenses.
It’s my hope that the reader is concerned with telling them for healing purposes. If not, then you may want to put off telling them until the affair situation is worked through by the both of you.
When it comes to recovery and healing, the smaller the circle, the smaller the mess.
In the video “Help for the Cheater: starting the Road to Recovery”, I address the issues of informing others about the affair in more detail. You can learn about where to start in this journey.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
