Before I became a therapist, one of the jobs I worked at was as a psychiatric technician in a psychiatric and drug abuse hospital. Although I’ve made reference to this before, those experiences started teaching me many lessons about human nature.
My usual assignment was in PICU (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit). There I typically saw people at their worst.
Being over six feet tall, I was called into situations requiring restraints and straight jackets. I hated those things then and still do.
I also recognize that at the time, they were important tools in dealing with violent behaviors. Seeing someone who is that out of control is unsettling on many levels. It had traumatizing effects on patients and staff.
Violence was always a possibility when dealing with addicts fighting their addiction and the world. It was also a possibility within family relationships when relationships are ruptured and emotions are raw.
When dealing with raw, primitive feelings, there’s always the risk of violence. Although it’s unpleasant to discuss, violence is also a very real risk dealing with affairs and during your affair recovery.
Since I have dealt with marital violence in some previous letters, I’ll instead address the risk of violence during affair recovery. During recovery, there are times you are faced with intense emotions and no visible outlets for dealing with them.
Tensions build with all the emotions balled up inside. Your innards become a pressure cooker.
It’s during those times that the risk of violence is high. You may find yourself hitting objects or engaging in self destructive behaviors.
You may choose the passive option of over eating in order to stuff those uncomfortable feelings and numb them out. A close cousin is plunging into drugs or alcohol.
These are self-destructive using passive methods. It’s self-destruction using the installment plan.
Those painful and self-destructive actions provide a bitter sweet release. There is both pain and pleasure. That weird mixture of the two provides an outlet for the emotions, punishment for what you did or felt and relief in finally letting the pressure off in a sudden violent, explosive manner.
Although this kind of pain provides release, it’s not a healthy way of handling it. It’s intense, yet has potential for being habit forming. It’s better than hurting others or revenging out on someone, yet it keeps you locked into unhealthy coping skills.
There are better ways of directing intense emotions and painful memories. Finding the quickest ways out of the pain is part of the unhealthy thinking that leads up to affairs.
Those unhealthy patterns and thinking stick around long after the affair is over. This is why they are a concern during affair recovery. You need new ways of handling your emotions and new ways of thinking about them.
It’s also okay to ask for help when you need to. Talking with others about the unpleasant issues, like violence and self-harm also helps.
At the Restored Lifestyle site, you can share those shameful, dark and embarrassing episodes on the forums where you can remain anonymous. As you begin talking about them rather than hiding them, you’ll find greater control over them.
I invite you to join us and get the help you need to get you through affair recovery.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
