There was a time when in a heated discussion with my mother-in-law, that she proclaimed “You mean what you say!” Although that altercation occurred almost twenty years ago, the forcefulness she used in making that statement stayed with me.
I’ve often wondered whether I should have come back to her with something about how she never meant what she said or something along those lines.
At the time she said it, she was doing and saying many things in her attempts of eliciting a reaction from me. Since I knew it was all about trying to trigger me, I avoided her trap.
She meant her comment as something bad. In sorting through things, I view those who say things they don’t mean as an unhealthy habit.
When you say things you don’t mean it’s intentional deception. You’re misleading the person you’re talking to.
In her case, misdirection and lies were standard operating procedure. Even as a therapist, I’ve always avoided misdirection and manipulation.
A pastor friend of mine once summed it up “It is easier to sell fiction than it is fact. Fiction (lies) does not bother one’s conscience, whereas facts are sometimes emotionally disturbing.”
Lies and intentional misdirection were used in getting her way. Getting your way through lies is a common ploy with affairs.
When a cheater lies to get their way, they lie to the lover, they lie to you, they lie to themselves. No one is immune from their lies and the damage it does. The liar may get their way, yet end up destroying any ability to trust them.
When you’re in a relationship with someone who lies to get their way, you’re never sure what you can trust. Their lies have damaged the trust.
Recovering from such damage requires some massive changes in your marriage relationship. Those changes are made one step at a time.
It’s not a matter of a sudden turn around. Change doesn’t happen like that. It requires repairs to those areas that have been damaged.
In my video on “How Can I Trust You Again?”, I guide you through the areas needing repair. You can know what specific areas need attention along with what it takes for repairing them.
Your marriage can get on solid footing once again once trust is rebuilt.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
