When a question came in from a husband expressing surprise and concern that his wife had regrets after swinging, my response to him was “What did you expect?” It astounds me he was genuinely surprised at his wife’s reaction to unnatural acts. It told me that he didn’t have a clue.
Let me make this as simple as possible. When you have your spouse engage in unnatural acts, there will be a reaction. This is one reason why quantities of drugs and alcohol are associated with swinging. The intoxication is the only way they can engage in what they’re doing.
That husband has unrealistic expectations about his marriage and his sex life. Unrealistic expectations are at the root of unhappiness. When the ‘happenings’ don’t occur the way he wanted them to, there will be disappointment.
He’s already disappointed with her reaction. It leads me to think that in his mind, he scripted out even her reactions to being a part of his fantasy regarding swinging. In his fantasies, he planned out what she would do and what her reactions would be.
Real life swinging doesn’t go like it’s portrayed in porn movies and adult magazines. There are feelings involved. Those participating don’t just have sex with others and return to life as usual. Issues like emotions and bonding have to be considered as well.
He didn’t consider how traumatizing swinging was for her. Her own husband now wants her to sleep with another man and do things with another woman.
He’s no longer protecting her, but instead encouraging her to be with others. That act carries a message of rejection with it. It’s not sharing, it’s rejecting what they once had.
The special bond between them is no longer valued or treated as special. Sure, he talks about it as if it still exists, but the reality is that it’s gone.
Losing that special relationship has consequences. It changes the relationship between them. The emotional change and trauma needs to be addressed. Sure you can use intoxicants to cover it over, but eventually, the pain will come out.
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Keeping It Real,
Jeff
