Although I’ve touched on the issue of depression and affairs before, it continues coming up. Readers want to know how to handle things when the cheater tells them they cheated because “I was depressed.” When an issue like this continues coming up, there’s a reason for it.
With the increased incidence of depression associated with the COVID-19, it was bound to come up. The logic is that since the cheater is depressed, they resort to having an affair. The problem is that this theory does not hold up under scrutiny.
On the surface, it sounds valid. People with depression often do extreme things. Their emptiness and pain associated is so intense they consider extreme things.
Here’s the rub. Two of the major criteria in many depression cases are the loss of joy and low energy. These items become the front line in being a successful cheater. Low energy and no joy make for an empty, sad person.
They no longer enjoy things and struggle finding energy.
When someone doesn’t have much energy and no longer enjoys their usual activities, how would they enjoy the additional relationship strain of having an affair? It requires time, energy and enthusiasm. Depressed people don’t have that. They are struggling just dealing with life on a daily basis.
It’s easy to see why the depressed person would avoid adding another item onto their list of things they must manage every day.
Who wants to cheat with someone who isn’t enthusiastic about the affair?
For the cheater who is genuinely depressed, it’s easier to not cheat. They are so emotionally and physically worn out that they just don’t have the energy or desire for anything outside of their full time job and family demands.
Without any enthusiasm, it makes it hard to start or engage in a relationship, even if it’s just an emotional affair.
When it’s a struggle getting out of bed, how will they look forward to and plan getting in bed with someone else?
Having an affair beyond a one-night stand requires planning. It takes time, energy and enthusiasm to make those plans. (I’m not talking about the silly few minutes it can take to arrange a one-night stand, but long term arrangements.)
Without the energy or desire to do anything extra, they just don’t have it in them. They’re usually too exhausted from dealing with planning out when to meet, where to meet and how to keep it secret. When caught up in depression, the ability to plan and hide what they’re doing is impaired.
When they’ve found the energy for a fling, have the planning to carry it out, including hiding it or lying about it and enjoyed themselves, their depression excuse is getting pretty weak.
With chemical assistance, they may pull it off. Even at those times, it’s conceivable they are scamming either you, themselves or both.
I realize depression takes people to extremes, yet when the cheater’s actions, energy level, thinking and mood don’t pass the sniff test, someone’s playing games.
I talk about the importance of telling yourself the truth in “Overcoming the Affair Crisis”. Although you may find it inconceivable that the cheater is cheating because they WANT to cheat, that’s part of telling yourself the truth.
In order to cheat, they have to think clearly enough to fantasize, plan, hide and lie about what they’re doing. They have to be excited enough to get into someone’s pants along with having the energy to do so.
They may have some depressed episodes, but when they are full-blown into the affair, something else is driving things. You need to hold them accountable for their choices, their planning, their scheming and cheater games.
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Keeping It Real,
Jeff
