There are some things I don’t recommend during affair recovery. Having spent 35+ years dealing with relationship problems, I’ve seen what works and what doesn’t work in marriages.
Although times change, many of the problems, mistakes, excuses, and errors don’t. This includes mistakes made during recovery from an affair.
In the aftermath of an affair, one huge error happens when the cheater says “We’ve talked about this twenty times, so just drop it!” in response to discussing the affair. Your cheater may use different words, but you’ve encountered that attitude and sentiment.
Statements like this shut down communication and interfere with healing. Whether or not it was said intentionally, it also devalues your pain. I understand they may be frustrated or weary from talking about it, but this option is definitely a bad one.
Discussing the affair, again and again, is a necessary part of healing. It’s messy, but it’s needed. Taking any shortcuts leads to feelings being stuffed and issues being avoided.
Getting out of the emotional sludge requires both of you to work together. Shutting down communication like that stops the teamwork.
Each time the two of you discuss the affair in a meaningful way, more of the toxic elements are removed. Until all the emotional toxins are removed, the issues aren’t resolved.
Even when the cheater demands the issue be dropped, the two of you will continue dancing around the issues in one form or another. The conversation continues in another form.
It’s better to suffer through those painful conversations than to drop them. I realize some couples get stuck and don’t know how to move past the uncomfortable times. When the pain gets that intense, it’s hard to handle.
In the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”, I provide you with ways of opening up the conversation along with what needs to be talked about. Knowing how to continue the conversation and what needs to be discussed goes a long way toward affair recovery.
There are ways of taking the drama and pain out of these necessary talks. There are ways of keeping the suffering to a tolerable level. Talks like these don’t have to be major blow-outs.
It could be that your spouse is more tired of the drama than the actual discussion of the affair. When the high drama parts are reduced, it opens the way for meaningful connection with each other.
Click and download your copy today. There are ways of talking with each other without blowing up with each other.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
