During the Christmas holidays, I encountered the question “Is it stupid to stay in my marriage after the affair?” On just reading the question, I felt my stomach wince at the pain the wife asking the question must be feeling. The answer, of course, is not simple. Affairs are never easy to deal with, and they always leave a mark on a relationship – sometimes a permanent one.
She’s being awfully hard on herself along with doubting her decision-making. Affairs often leave you wondering if you’re smart enough, sexy enough, and loving enough. They may even leave you questioning your own reality. That self-doubt makes any decision a gut-wrenching episode.
My favorite response is a question from John Bradshaw, the relationship expert, who asked “Are you throwing away a perfectly good marriage?” If you have a good marriage, it’s not stupid to stay in it. It’s also not stupid for you to repair and work on a marriage like that.
An affair puts you at a cross roads concerning your marriage. You have to make some decisions about whether to stay or not. In order to make those kinds of decisions, it requires being clear in your head about your marriage.
You have to consider whether the relationship works for you, your spouse and your children. The emphasis you place on each depends a great deal on your personal priorities.
The affair means that changes are needed. What the changes are and who needs to make those changes differs from marriage to marriage. Staying in a marriage where you take steps toward making things better in your relationship is always beneficial.
There are always critics who will say that what you’re doing is stupid. They may even claim they have your best interest at heart. When it comes down to your marriage, there are some things that you have a unique perspective on that those critics don’t see.
It’s never good making major life decisions when you’re in the midst of emotional turmoil. The turmoil often leads you to reduce the pain rather than doing what’s best. Give yourself some time to heal and then revisit your decision.
When it comes to repairing a marriage after an affair, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Every couple has to decide what’s best for them based on their unique situation. If you’re considering staying in your marriage after the affair, remember that it’s okay
When you need extra help, ask for it. I recently had some appointment times open up for my consultations. These include weekly calls and email support for the duration of the consultation. If you’re interested, email me Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com for available times, packages and pricing.
Some experts claim that in order to work on your marriage, certain conditions are required. If you want to work on your marriage, you can start whether or not the cheater repents or gets honest. Things work better if they do, yet that doesn’t happen on your timetable.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
