If you want to frustrate your spouse and wreck communication, one sure way is by asking them ‘unanswerable questions’. Although you may assume that every question has an answer, there are some questions that don’t have logical or reasonable answers. You may have an answer in your mind, but that doesn’t mean they have a meaningful response.
In fact, if you think about it, asking these questions is not even a valid question because you haven’t provided any parameters. The person will either feel stumped or end up answering a different question entirely. When your spouse doesn’t understand the question, they will answer what they think you asked.
This will frustrate you and them.
As a teenager, one of these unanswerable questions was “Can God create a stone that is too big for him to move?” The question also has some surface validity is illogical and unreasonable when it comes time to answer. No matter what answer you give, it is a logic trap.
When you know there is a trap ahead, even a logic trap, what do you do? You either run away or don’t answer the question.
You may have set a logic trap with unanswerable questions with your spouse. This is natural. You are feeling frustrated and trapped, so it’s natural that your questions convey that. When your spouse asks a question, answer it. If you don’t have an answer, say so. Don’t try to create a logic trap.
In addition, these questions also put your spouse on the defensive and can make them feel like you are attacking them. There is no need for that. These questions can also be demoralizing. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, you ask questions that convey your emotions rather than ones that can be answered.
Whatever the intention of such questions, the effect is frustrating the person it’s directed toward. When frustrated, people tend to shut down. If you do that, nothing good will happen.
Even your spouse will tend to shut down. This sets up a no-win scenario. You tell them you want to talk, yet by asking them unanswerable questions, you’ve taken steps that shut down communication. You effectively sabotaged communication in your marriage.
It becomes circular logic frustration. You want them to talk, then you sabotage them talking to you with the unanswerable questions you ask them, even though you really do want responses to those questions. You want your spouse to engage with you and understand your frustration, yet the only way you know to do this is by frustrating them as well.
You may have never thought about whether or not your questions were unanswerable. Could you answer the questions you are asking? If not, they are unanswerable.
If you are stuck in that circular logic frustration of unanswerable questions, then you’ll want the latest video, “Hurting People and Healing Questions” which provides solutions and ways of moving past these ‘no win’ communication situations.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
