Have you ever considered affairs as a form of abuse? In using the definitions of abuse from the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual), there’s many aspects of affairs that meet the criteria.
Check it out.
Behaviors like:
-Interrogating the victim,
-Stalking,
-Threatening them,
-Forcing sexual acts upon them,
-Making someone think that they are crazy
These along with many others are all part of the definitions of ‘abuse’. They are also common in couples where affairs often happen.
You may be one of those couples that assumed such behavior was ‘just part of being married’. They shouldn’t be part of being married.
Did you realize that some of these may have gone on in your marriage?
Although the definition of ‘abuse’ are ‘in the book’, putting them into practice is a whole other matter.
Over the years, I’ve seen numerous diagnoses in the ‘official’ books that clinicians seldom or rarely use, no matter how often people come into their offices with them.
At times it may be related to not being paid for certain diagnoses or a matter of avoiding the stigma that such a diagnoses would carry with it. In some cases, counselors get paid better for treating certain diagnoses than others.
When a counselor diagnoses you or your spouse with ‘abuse’ there’s immediate fallout.
If you were diagnosed as ‘abused’, there are some powerful stigmas associated with it. If your spouse was given the label of ‘abuser’ it carries massive baggage with it as well.
When your spouse is labelled an ‘abuser’ it makes reconciliation more challenging. No one wants to be called an abuser. Once you use that label, there is no undoing it.
When it comes to affairs, society maintains a schizophrenic double standard. Some pop culture publications openly advocate for affairs as a way of ‘improving your marriage’. Some that come to mind are the Huffington Post, Playboy and Cosmopolitan.
I doubt that the same publications would publish an article “How abuse can improve your marriage”. I doubt they would even talk about “How a weekend of being abused changed my life”. Such titles would be ‘over the top’.
Despite being over the top, they don’t mind promoting affairs and sleeping around. They make infidelity look fun and hip. They make affairs look fun and hip, although the interrogations and threats that come afterwards as a result of the affair meet the definition of abuse.
Perhaps you’ll grasp it better if I used a cupcake illustration. They encourage you to indulge in cupcakes, but don’t address the weight gain and how miserable you’ll feel afterwards from overindulgence. Instead of saying you ‘ate to much’ or ‘cupcakes are bad for you’, they promote other types of cupcakes or limiting you to ‘special’ cupcakes.
I doubt those publications ever consider that affairs never happen in a vacuum. There are always behaviors that go with them. There’s the name calling, threats, interrogations, scary car rides, and more.
Besides being forced to accept a sexual scenario you didn’t ask for, you are ridiculed if you question it, at times you may be threatened or made to feel like you are the one who is crazy.
By separating the affair from the other behaviors, they compartmentalize them. That way, they can go on their happy way promoting affairs and not feel guilty, much like cheaters do.
Since they compartmentalize, they can also advocate against abuse. The public never catches on to the sleight of hand that just happened.
Affairs and abuse go hand in hand. They are linked, even when you don’t want to look at the ugly truth.
The good news is that you can move past those damages from the abuse. Your emotional bruises and mental anguish don’t have to continue. You don’t have to lose any more sleep or overload your mind wrestling with these matters.
The video on “Dealing with Affair Trauma” guides you past the damages. You don’t have to continue carrying that emotional burden any more. You can instead know ways of getting unstuck and being freed from the chains of abuse.
Best Regards,
Jeff
