During the Christmas holidays, I encountered the question “Is it stupid to stay in my marriage after the affair?” On just reading the question, I felt my stomach wince at the pain the wife asking the question must be feeling.
She’s being hard on herself along with doubting her decision-making. Affairs often leave you wondering if you’re smart enough, sexy enough, and loving enough. That self-doubt makes any decision a gut-wrenching episode.
My favorite response is a question from John Bradshaw, who asked “Are you throwing away a perfectly good marriage?” If you have a good marriage, it’s not stupid to stay in it. It’s also not stupid for you to repair and work on a marriage like that.
You do have to be honest with yourself at that point and consider what you consider the purpose of marriage to be. An affair puts you at a crossroads concerning your marriage. You have to make some decisions about whether to stay or not. Making those kinds of decisions, requires being clear in your head about your marriage.
You have to consider whether the relationship works for you, your spouse, and your children. The emphasis you place on each depends a great deal on your priorities.
The affair means that changes are needed. What the changes are and who needs to make those changes differs from marriage to marriage. Staying in a marriage where you take steps toward making things better in your relationship is always beneficial.
There are always critics who will say that what you’re doing is stupid. They may even claim they have your best interest at heart. When it comes down to your marriage, there are some things that you have a unique perspective on that those critics don’t see.
It’s never good to make major life decisions when you’re in the midst of emotional turmoil. The turmoil often leads you to reduce the pain rather than doing what’s best.
When you need extra help, ask for it. I’ve put together the best resources I am aware of in the Affair Recovery workshop. It covers what is needed on discovery, the working through along with the aftermath of the affair.
Some experts claim that to work on your marriage, certain conditions are required. If you want to work on your marriage, you can start whether or not the cheater repents or gets honest. Things work better if they do, yet that doesn’t happen on your timetable.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
