Revenge and affairs often go hand in hand. Revenge has at times been the driving factor for the affair and also the reactions when the affair is discovered. Revenge itself covers a wide range of behaviors. Some revenge is dealt out hot and in the moment of passion. Other forms of revenge are served “cold”, where a deliberate, calculated plan is put in place to inflict pain and suffering.
In dealing with revenge, there are two key questions to consider. 1) Who or what is the revenge directed at? and 2) What will the revenge accomplish?
In considering the who or what the revenge is directed at, the question is deceptively simple. Although it is assumed that revenge is always directed at the spouse, that is not always the case. At times, people may be mad at God, the opposite gender, their boss, their parents, their race, etc. The revenge is not always directly related to the hurt. In many cases it is, but not always. The revenge is not always immediate. There could have been a trigger from years before that has only recently been activated. The use and manipulation of triggers is an area that cult groups have specialized in. The trigger may have been put in place long before the marriage. The incident that set things off may not necessarily be at the root of what drove the affair or the reaction to it.
In terms of what revenge accomplishes, one needs to consider what are the payoffs, both short-term and long-term. There are always payoffs to revenge. Knowing what the payoffs are helps people understand what revenge would accomplish. The revenge often has a fantasy with it. The fantasy can take several forms. In this fantasy, the infliction of pain will somehow make things better. The infliction of pain is seen as part of a ‘healing ritual’. It is hoped that by inflicting the pain, will somehow transfer the hurt to the other person. Once the other person is hurting, then change will happen. Such fantasies contain elements of magical thinking and rarely accomplish what the fantasy promised.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
