While growing up, the schools I attended were allowed to administer corporal punishment.When it came time for receiving consequences we ‘took out licks’.
Each swat of the paddle was a ‘lick’. I was reminded of this episode in thinking through the consequences of affairs.
There are many of you who have had affairs. As you know there’s always consequences for affairs. The best way of handling those consequences for your actions is to put on your big boy/big girl pants and ‘take your licks’.
Although no one likes enduring consequences, they’re inevitable. You may have even tried finding ways around the consequences. The best way to deal with them is to ‘get them over with’.
The consequences can range from damage to your reputation, people not trusting you to alienation, health or financial consequences. Typically trying to escape the consequences of affairs leads to more problems that you would have had facing them.
Like night follows day, there will be consequences. No amount of rationalizing will remove them. Even such an extreme as having an affair with a Christian or someone who is enlightened will negate the consequences.
Having a relationship with someone who is considered ‘good’ will not get you out of the consequences. This is taking guilt by association in the direction of good.
You hope that by associating with someone good or having good intentions that your actions will not have consequences. This ‘innocence by association’ is a type of denial.
At the other extreme, taking the position of thinking that ‘I did nothing wrong’ in having the affair, or embracing the swinger lifestyle as ‘normal’ won’t soften the consequences either.
You can choose believing that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with affairs or alternate lifestyles, but that doesn’t remove the consequences. Choosing to believe that there’s no consequences is another form of denial.
The bottom line is that affairs have consequences. The degree of consequences often varies. The circumstances behind the affair often have a bearing on the degree of consequences.
Your world, your health and your life do not have to totally fall apart. The consequences do not have to be the end of the world as you know it. They are not the end of the world, yet neither are they without discomfort. You wanted to engage in adult behavior. Part of the price of admission is that you have to be an adult in accepting your consequences.
In the move ‘Love actually’, there is a portion where one of the characters is talking to his step-son (Sam) and the statement is made “Let’s get the _______ kicked out of us by love“.
The character accepted the consequences for loving someone. In a similar vein, you need to ‘take your licks’ and accept the consequences of having an affair rather than avoid them.
One place for starting is with the video, “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery”. In it, you’ll find the place to start your healing.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
And, I can tell you from experience, if the betrayer/cheater is not willing to take the licks, there can be no moving forward – not with reconciliation, at least. It is a complete roadblock to working things out. Of course, that can be (mis)interpreted to mean “you want to get back at me and get some form of revenge.” No. I want you to feel bad for what you did.
John,
Thank you for sharing that. Many people confuse punishment (which they want to avoid), with natural consequences, which are necessary and can not be avoided. When they engage in irresponsible behavior and refuse to ‘take their licks’ regarding natural consequences, it creates a very twisted and unnatural dynamic. This ‘unnatural dynamic’ impacts behavior, emotions and thinking. It is one thing to attempt avoiding their licks, it is quite another to deny that there are any licks and act like they do not exists. It amounts to attempting cheating the law of natural consequences.
The confusing of ‘taking your licks’ as in natural consequences and punishment often leads to misinterpretations.
All The Best,
Jeff