In responding to a post from yesterday, I realized that I have not addressed the differences in affairs of husbands and wives. Although modern thought often wants to portray the affairs of each as interchangeable, they are not. Husbands and wives are driven by different motives for affairs. They are also differences in the bonding and connections they form. I recognize that not all affairs are the same, even among the same gender. There will be individual differences in bonding and attachment. The dynamics I am addressing are generalities. These generalities are based on my experiences in dealing with couples in the United States. There may be cultural differences in other nations or sub-cultures.
Without getting too technical, the types of bonding that happens has effects. With husbands, there is often the desire for conquest. The intensity of the bonding is often of a more superficial nature. They often want another ‘victory’ in the form of another woman. In such situations, they can often surrender the conquest and return to their wives.
When wives stray, whether or not they come back has a great deal to do with the intensity of bonding occurring. When they have thrown their all into the affair relationship as opposed to being seduced, they are often hooked. By being ‘hooked’, I am referring to the intensive level of bonding, where they throw join with the man in their lives. Although some women can go through men, a great majority bond to one man at a time. Getting them unhooked after they have engaged their whole heart into the relationship is a major undertaking. When there is intensive bonding, they may turn their back on children and home as well. The metaphor of an analog switch is a way to view it. With intensive bonding, they are either all on or all off.
Bear in mind, these are my thoughts based on experiences and observations based on couples who have come in for help. I have not done surveys, large scale experiments or cross-cultural studies to explore this phenomena.
What I can say with confidence is that “All affairs are not the same”. The reasons for the affair and intensity of bonding are not the same. The nature of relationships that men and women have with affairs are also not the same although there are some similarities and patterns. Treating all affairs with one size fits all answers does not work. The affair is the cheaters solution to what they view as their problem. What problem is ‘solved’ by the affair solution varies from person to person.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
9 Responses
Mine was bonded to an employee who needed rescued. Because he was her “best friend” she could keep him on the line for 10 years. After the initial obvious infatuation they were able to conceal their special friendship for ten years from me. Occasionally he would need to help her with this or that which would intrude into our time but he/they completely hid from me that he would go to her house a couple of times a month to listen to whatever drama she had going at the time. Oh and drink a glass of wine (he never drinks ) and snuggle. Actual intercourse according to him only occurred six or seven times in ten years. A year ago he came home later than usual and admitted all this. Reluctantly of course. I was devastated. I became the watcher. They mostly discontinued contact for a few months. However picked right back up with their special friendship again. Now a suspicious wife I found him at her one day at lunch about a month ago. He says he wants to stay married. He says he understands there must be no contact. But they have been so bonded for so long. He says it’s easier because she is not currently calling him. I feel like an after thought in his world.
Just Me,
The bonding can come in many guises. It often starts out looking innocent, since a seducer on the prowl for their victim is easy to spot. Instead, they will pose as someone in need or weaker so that they can ‘entice’ their target. There are some affairs that are between strangers, yet many more are from friendships that cross over the line.
The decievers who stalk prime married spouses look for weaknesses …vulnerabilities …they often FEIGN need…..The OW in our situation actually seems to have to have some DRAMA going on all the time .
My husband finally realized that she creates situations and crisises in order to have kept him ‘helping ‘ or ‘comforting ‘ her
I reminded him that everyone has problems but HIS being married should have made MY needs and our childrens his greatest concern
Actually her life is NOTHING like the one I had …and before I came to Christ I had plenty of areas of damage that I worked through …
She used some of her past issues to lure him into feeling sorry for her…trying to ‘make it up ‘ to her …and then being more and more lured into obligations to make her life better …all at ALL of our expense in every category
The thief comes not but to STEAL , KILL and DESTROY ..and those that work FOR HIM >>>>Do the same
They are sold out VIPERS in service to their MASTER ….the DEVIL and his will they run to DO !!
Zaza,
I like the vipers metaphor. The use of feigned helplessness or crises is often termed the ‘self-serving crisis’ in the recovery community. I like that term since it captures the selfish drives behind the situation. Selfish people seldom let crises go to waste. They often find their lives a series of one crisis after another either due to the crises they created or as a consequence of the first crisis.
yes that is the case,,,,My husband is drawn to excitement ..and even just today I noticed that he has bitten off more than he can chew with a household maintainance project
I have to hand it too him and tell him how great a job he is doing ..but he has not been doing so many of the things that daily life involves …always told me to ‘hire someone’ ..
I think IF he had been INVOLVED with our family he would not have been so quick to have had children with the OW …NEITHER of them respected the time and energy and effort raising children takes..
NOW he still does not really understand the needs …but he is paying attention and now sees what a poor choice of woman he allowed to become a mother …He even admitted that had she married she STILL would not have been a proper mother …just too selfish and hooked on the fluctuating excitement of crises.
In the household I observed that he got into starting a lot of tasks today because he underestimated the time that each one takes …something we all learn along the way …he just got impatient because he has been so arrogant over the years about various tasks of people who do them …no respect for the work involved to take care of a home ..children …those ‘boring ‘ things that actually make life full and satisfying
Adultery gave him the drama rush …he grew up with adultery being set before him on the daytime tv his mom watched…and the various exciting vices his dad enjoyed ..they were not over the top but they were just enough in regard to being ‘entertainment ‘ …the races, cards….cocktails…all thought to be commonly enjoyed in moderation …but all of that and no regard for GOD was a terrible set up to seek excitement and it was his view of what he was entitled to do …
I am sure many people would disagree with me,…but I believe that once a man marries and has children his risk taking days should be over…sorry but I also think that as those who have been bought with a price we are STEWARDS of our bodies..temples of the holy spirit ..and thus risk taking and careless ‘fun’ is out .
Adultery is not just wounding it is dangerous to health …and to that of others…close to you
So many diseases now are known …not just AIDS but others …HPV , which does not have to involve sexual intercourse to infect someone …it is skin to skin …add so many mouth diseases….I don’t want to get graphic here but we are BIG PEOPLE …AND HE went to a very elite university but claims AIDS was not a ‘thing’ back in 1991~ !
How stupid does he think I AM? …and he said that with a straight face,….they both discussed that they had been ‘checked’ before they had sex! …as if he should trust this OW >!
Adultery makes people stupid…and ridiculously careless!
Zaza,
I never thought about how adultery makes people stupid in terms of more risk-taking behavior, but it makes perfect sense. It is not just that there is more risk-taking, there is an increase in impulsiveness and a reduction in reasoned, problem-solving type of thinking.
There is also a tendency to jump into tasks prior to thinking through the consequences. What started as an impulsive acts becomes a lifestyle.
On the AIDS issue, having been in the health care community and researched the issue, AIDS has been around a lot longer than many people realize. There is still herpes, which there is no known cure for and other nasty communicable diseases that are a constant issue for the adulterer.
Amen!
I agree with your article. What is the effect of past sexual abuse on a married woman who is coersed into an affair. My wife was in an affair for one year with a psychopath (we found out afterwards). We are going for therapy and the psychologist says she must stop trying to undo other peoples uncomforting. It is as if they always take responsibility even if it is not there mistake or doing. She also has difficulty is saying no.
Rudy,
Thank you for writing to me. Your question, “What is the effect of past sexual abuse on a married woman who is coerced into an affair?” is a poignant one. It is one of those issues that can take you deep into many unpleasant issues. Since I do not know the specifics, I will cover the question with a wide brush that hits on some of the deeper aspects.
First, past sexual abuse definitely has an effect on whether a spouse has an affair. That effect is that it increases the risk of an affair happening. They are more vulnerable than the non-sexually abused.
Secondly, on a deeper level, the nature of the sexual abuse is important to consider. When the abuse is severe and done in a programmatic manner, they are vulnerable to being exploited by someone who is wither similar to the abuser OR who activates the programming triggers. When abuse occurs in such a way, the victim is literally trained to respond to certain commands, touches, or gestures.
It amounts to a “Jason Bourne type of programming, except it is of a sexual nature”. When the abuse is severe enough, there may even act like a whole other person under the right conditions. In those situations, when the ‘old tapes’ or programs are activated, she just reacts without thinking about what is going on. She may even find herself doing things that she does not ‘want’ to do.
In everyday language, when the abuse is severe enough to break them, they are vulnerable to future exploitation.
Am I saying that a spouse can be coerced into an affair? Yes, under these circumstances (severe sexual abuse) it can and does happen. Those old tapes or programs act as triggers that activate old reactions or patterns. Some seducers know about such triggers and others stumble upon them. Although her mind may not consciously know what they are, body memories often have trigger responses.
With less severe abuse, the triggers are still there, yet are often of lesser intensity. This would explain her difficulty saying no.
These triggers and programming can be dealt with and ‘short-circuited’. It will take effort from both of you in identifying the triggers, and neutralizing each of them. The two of you may have to map out what they are and have plans to deal with each of them. My webinar on “Affair Relapse” goes into greater detail on dealing with such triggers along with developing relapse prevention plans.
Thank you for your question. If you want to write to me privately with other concerns, feel free to contact me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com
Thank You,
Jeff