You may wonder if it’s ‘normal’ that things are so screwed up with the affair that you’re dealing with. Affairs are often huge screw ups on many levels.
There’s often a series of blunders, mishaps, misunderstandings and failures all wrapped up in a relationship. These screw ups often goes back to the people involved. If they had good relationship skills, there wouldn’t have been an affair in the first place.
Cheaters may know how to talk smooth, but that doesn’t mean that they know how to handle relationships which includes working through the conflicts in them. They know how to seduce people, but that is a far cry from knowing how to solve problems or be with someone in emotional pain or their anger.
Sex fixes many things, but it often keeps people from resolving the emotional issues in their lives and relationship. It gets your mind off things, but doesn’t resolve anything.
They may have pockets of social skills, but they do not know how to stay in a relationship. It takes skill managing staying in relationship when you’re angry with someone.
Screw ups are pretty routine with affairs. Recall that you’re not dealing with people are mature in terms of relationship skills, and their abilities to work through conflicts. They are used to bailing when things get rough. When you have people making decisions based on hormones and emotions, things will always get screwed up.
You’ll need to remind yourself that cheaters don’t have good relationship skills. They know how to talk, but that does not mean that they know how to stay in a relationship. They don’t grasp commitment, boundaries or empathy. There is a HUGE difference between being with someone when they need you and bedding them when they’re vulnerable.
In a few cases they have relationship skills, yet lack morals. These are the situations where the cheater gives themselves permission for an affair since you are disabled, out of town or have an injury of some sort.
In such cases, they know what they should be doing, but they choose not to. They know what it takes to make a relationship work, yet they have ‘run out the gate’ when they saw their first chance.
And you know what? One of the best ways of keeping such screw-ups from messing up your marriage and life is by improving your relationship skills. Investing in your marriage always pays dividends. The “30 Days to a Better Marriage Program” is a great way to change bad habits while improving your marriage relationship skills.
Best Regards,
Jeff
