Adjusting to time changes can be disorienting. You may find that it takes you several days to reorient to the change as you feel out of synch. In a similar manner, there is an adjustment that occurs after finding out about your spouse’s affair. With your spouse, it is a matter of how you built your life around them and when they cheat, you are suddenly out of synch. You built your life around them, yet they did not build theirs around you. Part of the shock that happens on finding out about the affair is realizing that you are ‘out synch’ with your spouse. You suddenly wake up to how you built your life around them, yet their life was built around something or someone else.
This ‘out of synch’ can be described as ‘disorientation’. The person you used as part of your meaning, identity and direction is not where you thought they were. Not only are they not where you thought they were, you may have to wander around and discover where they are.
Adjusting to an affair includes going through the disorientation. You may even have to go through several disorientation episodes. These episodes are part of the healing. As you find new reference points in your life, there will be new adjustments. Each adjustment is a new orientation. They are not good or bad, just orientations. These orientations come in two types. One is where you regain your direction or identity. The other is where you mentally or emotionally shift gears. Some shifts will happen as you chase after the cheater, others happen as part of your own healing. Each shift offers new opportunities, yet will leave you feeling ‘out of it’ for a while. These shifts are another reason why using drugs and alcohol to cope are not in your best interest. The alcohol or drugs will inhibit your awareness and responsiveness to these shifts.
Rather than panic, realize that these are normal and to be expected. The adjustment phase is never fun. These episodes will stretch your flexibility and ability to adjust to changes. If you are rigid person, these can be especially challenging.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
