Honest questions deserve honest answers. The question was recently asked “will swinging improve my sex life?”
If your definition of ‘improving sex life’ consists of numbers, with the emphasis on quantity, swinging definitely has an impact. You would be exposed to many different partners.
You will have more sex. In being exposed to the larger numbers, you would be exposed to some new ways of doing things. The challenge is that what turns one person on may not be the thing that turns another one one in the same way. It becomes a hit or miss type of experience.
When you were dating, kissing and kissing a large number of members of the opposite sex was important, you likely developed a wide range of kissing styles. Swinging provides a similar situation. The more people you are with, the wider range of styles you’ll develop.
Swinging definitely gives you a wider range of experiences that you would have with your spouse. Swinging changes the context of sex. It is no longer about intimacy, or closeness, it is about numbers.
With swinging, sex becomes a recreational activity, with all the risks which that entails. You may learn how to initially excite a wide variety of people, yet the level of your bonding would remain at a superficial level, due to the nature of swinging.
Another aspect of swinging is that out of necessity, there is frequently some degree of intoxication. Learning any skill from people in various states of intoxication is always a dubious endeavor.
Making love to someone who is stoned, drugged or drunk doesn’t make you a good lover. It makes you someone who makes love to stoners.
You may think you’re a great lover, yet the reality is that they were drunk or stoned and would have thought anyone stimulating them was wonderful. Drunk people often say things without thinking.
If your definition of ‘improving your sex life’ consists of finding ways of improving the quality of the experience for you and your spouse, then swinging would be counter-productive.
If you want more intimacy, or wish to improve the feeling of ‘oneness’ between you and your spouse, the answer is not swinging. Intimacy and the feeling of oneness comes with you and your spouse finding ways of taking your relationship to deeper levels of intimacy.
What happens between the two of you best when its’ special and unique. When the sexual relationship is special, you learn how to please your spouse in special ways and they learn how to please you in ways that have meaning to you.
The two of you will know how to approach each other and how to talk to each other in special ways to where the bonding you share is special and intimate.
Your definition of a ‘good sex life’ is important. It is also important to consider what your definition of a ‘good marriage’ is. Swinging changes your marriage and your sex life.
Once it changes, it’s hard returning to what you had before. The ‘special’ bond you had with your spouse will no longer be special and unique. Your focus will also change from tuning into your spouse and their needs, to generic turn-ons that work with large segments of the opposite sex. Once swinging enters your life, it changes you and your spouse.
The idea that swinging will improve the sex life of your marriage is often a ploy used by swinger instigators to talk their spouses into it. It is a version of appealing to the supposed benefits of swinging.
Swinging may provide some increase in intensity due to the ‘newness’ of the lifestyle along with the thrill of engaging in clandestine behavior. It is trading intensity for intimacy. Swinging often delivers on intensity at the expense of intimacy.
If you’re struggling with the effects from swinging you may be experiencing relationship trauma. With relationship trauma you get drunk, take pills or medications to numb yourself out, and keep symptoms under control. You want to block out what you do, so that it’s a haze rather than remembering the details.
It’s quite a statement when you have to numb yourself out to experiences rather than enjoy them to their fullest. When you don’t want to remember the details, it’s a good sign that you really didn’t enjoy it after all.
When you have been traumatized, there are reasons for you not being able to get over it’ and bounce back. Discover the tools, exercises and techniques you need in understanding and moving past what has happened to you.
If that’s your situation, get your copy of the webinar on “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers“. The video addresses the special needs of swingers in confronting and moving past relationship traumas.
Best Regards,
Jeff
