Recent plumbing problems have brought to mind the issue of boundaries and affairs. Much like you do not
A healthy marriage needs clear boundaries.
want your pipes and fixtures leaking and contained, you also want your marriage contained and not leaking as well. You do not want you or your spouse spilling their soul to workmates or friends about your marriage relationship. You do not want their emotional issues to spill out in unwanted places.
Just like plumbing problems, small leaks often turn into major problems. You want to fix them when they are small. In a similar manner, you want to fix marital issues before they start emotionally leak where they are not supposed to.
You may assume that it is safe to share your marital burdens with others. The problem arises when there are some people who exploit that sharing. They use the sharing to develop closeness to your spouse. Whether or not they intend to, they may encroach on your spouse. That encroachment soon turns into an affair. Many spouses have slipped into an affair without intending to after having ‘shared’.
The problem with when you share is that it often leads to emotional closeness developing. The more personal information shred, the higher the risk of encroachment. In many ways emotional blabbermouths are as dangerous as flirts. Each make themselves vulnerable to being exploited by affairs. (Note: although some spouses may be able to talk about emotional issues or flirt, for most spouses, these are risky behaviors.)
One of the vulnerable spots where emotions can leak is social media. Whether on facebook, twitter or pinterest, you or your spouse may be sharing more sensitive emotional material than you realize. Since there are so many emotionally-charged issues and posts, it is easy to expose more than you intended. Relationships and connections that can threaten your marriage develop very easily there. For that reason, you need added caution when involving yourself on such sites.
In dealing with the dangers of emotional leaks whether through self-disclosures or flirting the answer to the problem is “boundaries”. You need clear, distinct boundaries. It needs to be clear what is off limits and what is not. Any fuzziness in terms of boundaries is a potential weak point.
Bear in mind that seducers and exploiters may seem innocent. They may even be family members. Those seemingly innocent conversations and provocative questions are often ‘gamemanship’. The best way to prevent being taken advantage of is to keep your boundaries and discuss potential boundary violations with your spouse.
You may be blind to the sneaky tricks used by others. They may be taking advantage of weakness. For this reason, you want to discuss such matters with your spouse and them with you. Together the two of you can prevent more cheating than each of you could do individually.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
