When I felt ill the other day, I was in no mood to be social, or community minded. Unlike extroverts who are energized by interacting with others, I am not. I made it a point of letting my wife know that I wasn’t feeling well. One of the things that did help was when my wife kindly asked “Is there anything I can do for you?”
Although she was asking as part of caring, her question is a great one for your marriage. Let me explain. Many times when couples are not communicating well, it’s because you forgot the basics.
One of the basics of communication is “letting your spouse know what bothers you”. Better yet is letting them know ‘how’ that bothers you.
When it comes to the affair, have you let your spouse know what bothers you about it? That sounds simple, but it’s often those simple things you neglect that leads to problems. Sure, your spouse knows the affair bothers you, but have you let them know ‘how’ that’s a problem for you?
They may know you don’t like it, or that you wish it hadn’t happened or that you’re mad at them. These things let them know that affair’s a problem, but it leaves something out.
When you make it clear ‘how’ their infidelity is a problem, it starts changing things. It finally gives them a reason to change.
You may have been hammering away at them on the ‘why’. Hammering on the why of the affair puts them on the defensive.
The clearest thing they may know is that the infidelity bothers you. They may not know ‘how’ that makes it a problem for you. Assuming that they know how it bothers you is a HUGE assumption. It could be that the affair triggers your fear of abandonment, or makes you feel inadequate or some other issue.
Rather than assume the cheater knows how their affair is a problem for you, TELL them. Make it clear and plain. In all likelihood they’ve only been caught up in their own world and own issues. This could be part of their selfishness or part of you not letting them know what’s going on inside of you.
One of the truths about change is that some people don’t change because they have no reason to change. When you let them know ‘how’ the affair bothers you, it gives them a reason for making changes.
This is just one of the many ideas for improving communication between the two of you. I cover more in the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
This works well with a spouse who cares about the damage done and the losses and the costs
Not so much with one that has been kindly nudged to realize theIr behavior is dangerous for the health of the marriage and the whole family….and even themselves
My husband cared more about pleasing those who rejected the idea of fidelity and marriage and not a lot about what was good for his own life and faith and didn’t heed any of the concerns which I pointed out kindly and in an even tone regarding the effects of his manner with those he worked with
Kindness among ungodly women is seen as a come on and he refused t consider the wisdom that he should protect his marriage and even the women from being encouraged
In the latter end it was more that he enjoyed encouraging women to think of him as someone they could confide in and more ….he cared more about that dubious “thrill” than about me or their souls
Even today ..though he is “sorry ” for what his chiices have wrought than for the damamge done….it seems he is sorry for marrying me at all but didn’t come to that conclusion until we had children and many years of being with me and using me and our family as a prop for the other life …..which only really consisted of using other women for his own pleasure and they were of the same ilk
To present day generations have a pretty skimpy content if people who have a depth of understanding of marriage and life in general …..the Bible has not been studied and taught by the rightly dividing instruction God provided for us and intended for all to study and take to heart
Ongoing attack on everything and every area of life In righteousness has become rarer indeed
But God is faithful and long suffering not willing tha any should perish but all should BE SAVED come to the KNOWLEDGEOF THE TRUTH
While a person breathed they must seek Him before it’s too late …they must receive the engraphed word that is able to save their soul with meekness
Some refuse still and each time they reject the Word they become hardened more and more
Praying for that to change but they must will choose and that based upon the truth TO us today in this dispensation of Grace
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing. Whoever the cheater is trying to please is the one calling the shots and choosing the values. Your story is a perfect illustration of that.
“My husband cared more about pleasing those who rejected the idea of fidelity and marriage and not a lot about what was good for his own life and faith and didn’t heed any of the concerns which I pointed out kindly and in an even tone regarding the effects of his manner with those he worked with.”
God is faithful. I keep hoping your husbands heart turns back toward you soon.