Once acceptance has occurred, then you can begin with forgiveness. The reason for truth, then acceptance, then forgiveness is that you have to know what it is you are looking at forgiving. If you forgive before accepting the situation, there may be some unsettled issues that continue in the relationship. It also follows logically that if you are going to forgive, you need to know what it is that you are going to forgive. When you have been truthful and frank in dealing with matters, you know what it is. When you have accepted what is, then you are ready to consider forgiveness.
During the time between acceptance and forgiveness, you may have to work through denial. At some level you may know the truth, but may not want to accept what is there. The reluctance to accept what is there is natural. We often do not want to face what is there. When you begin working through acceptance, there is often pain. The pain is part of the acceptance process. It is painful to be in relationship with some people. To deny that pain is to deny the reality of the relationship or deny something that is in yourself. Even in a Christian context, these issues have to be dealt with. There may be things you need to let go of, or forgive, or the pain may be letting you know that there is some issue that needs attention in the relationship. To deny the pain is to deny your humanness.
How long does it take to work through the acceptance? That often depends on what kind of issues you are having to come to grips with. This is where you need a counselor that will work with you through the pain rather than one that takes up your pain and seeks to do something to that partner who hurt you in order to make them pay… You do not need reveng at this juncture, you need encouragement to work through the issues.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
