In some ebooks and previous emails, I addressed the topic of the ‘affair fog’. I use this term in referring to the state of mind the cheater is experiencing related to the affair when they are ‘out of it’. There are some experts in dealing with affairs that deny that the Affair Fog phenomenon exists. It is easy to doubt its existence until you encounter it. You can try talking to the cheater, but their mind is somewhere else.
An astute reader wants to know what happens once the affair fog lifts. When the affair fog lifts, the betrayer is then able to engage and connect with others in a meaningful way. They’re also able to think and genuinely be with you. This is an important part of the rebuilding process.
The cheater will likely experience a range of emotions—from guilt and shame, to hope and vulnerability—as they come out from under the affair fog. This can be a difficult time for both partners as trust needs to be regained.
Typically the fog lifts mentally before it lifts emotionally. It would be nice if it happened all at once, but that’s not typical. When the affair fog lifts, they’re finally able to hear you and deal with the facts about what happened. Like anyone who wakes up from an altered state, although they’re awake, it doesn’t mean that they are ready for everything coming at them full blast.
The phrase “It’s like drinking water from a fire hose” has application at this point. They are ready to deal with reality, yet they can still be overwhelmed and relapse back into the fog if they’re overwhelmed.
When you hit them with everything at once, it’s overwhelming. Look for indications that they are near being overwhelmed. When you see those indications, stop before you go too far.
I know you want many things addressed and dealt with promptly. Your concerns are valid and real, yet that doesn’t mean they’re immediately urgent.
You can complete any journey one step at a time. The journey to affair recovery is no exception. When the fog lifts, start dealing with them and the issues one at a time. Slow and steady wins the race.
When the fog lifts, your partner will hopefully be more receptive to what you have to say and understand why they need to make changes. The affair fog has been holding them back from facing reality—but this doesn’t mean that they are magically healed overnight. It just means progress can begin.
Focus your attention on your main concern. Although you want them all addressed, relationships work best when those issues are addressed one at a time.
One thing that needs attention is dealing with triggers and high-risk situations. These dangers can lead to affair relapse. You want the danger of relapse reduced.
When there’s little to no risk of relapse, it puts you in a position of increasing the likelihood of your concerns being addressed.
In my video on “Preventing Affair Relapse”, I address concerns like the relapse prevention plan, high-risk situations and triggers. If you don’t know what to look for, you can be blindsided by something you never saw coming.
Handling when the betrayer comes out of the affair fog is important. How you handle it shapes how much longer affair recovery is going to take.
Take action today and start turning things around in a good direction.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
