Another issues associated with affairs is how it influences ones thinking. While in the midst of an affair, the focus becomes very sensual and self-centered. It is this mindset that the resolute spouse often finds themselves fighting against.
How does one fight against this mindset?
The way to counteract this is to get them to look at the affair in the long term. Look at the effects of the affair in the long term. Oftentimes when people look at their actions in the long term, they can see the need to change their behaviors. One way to work at developing a long term perspective is to ask questions. Ask the resolute spouse, if the affair continues, where will they be in 5 years? What will their family look like in 5 years? What will your finances be in 5 years? (Finances often have a way of bringing people back to reality. You may even want to ask them what will keeping the affair cost in 5 years? Contrast that with what will ending the affair cost you in 5 years?) .
Besides money, another wake-up call are those questions related to health care. Since the adulterer is focused on sensual lust and its fulfillment, they often do not consider the health consequences of their actions or the medical history of the person they are having the affair with. Whatever health issues that person has will spill over into your family. Does the adulterer want those health issues within their own family?
Consider questions related to how various family members (including those who may have passed away) and how they would react to news of the affair. When one’s actions are considered form another perspective, it can open the eyes of those involved. It is a way of waking them up to the real-world. The poet Anne Sexton wrote how the adulterer’s lover is like water color. They wash away in the midst of crises and time, whereas the spouse is solid and dependable. Anne Sexton’s images often come to mind when I am dealing with couples struggling with affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
