Have you ever considered cheating as a vision problem? It recently struck me that cheaters have a problem with their vision. They only consider themselves and their own emotions. They can not see beyond themselves or their own desires. They may talk about their concern for others, but their actions show that they can not fully grasp how their actions impact others.
Besides having a focus on themselves, they also do not see the big picture. Whether they want to accept it or not their actions impact future generations. What they do impacts their children, grand children and great grandchildren. Since they do not see far beyond themselves, they do not consider the long-term or generational aspects of what they are doing. When the Founding Fathers of the American States established the government, they considered the big picture. They considered future generations in how they structured the government.
Cheaters, on the other hand have likely never considered the LONG term consequences. They only consider what they are feeling today and possibly what they may feel tomorrow. Beyond that is too far for them to see. They have emotional myopia. They are near sighted to the point that they can not even see shadows of how their actions impact others. Their focus is off. They are looking at short term gratification.
So how does one change this?
Sadly, when cheaters choose not to see how their actions impact others, it is difficult to have them see it. You can start by telling them how it leaves you feeling. Allow the children to tell them how it leaves them feeling as well. Although the child did not make the choice or is involved in the affair, they have to deal with the consequences. They see the selfishness, the lies, the broken promises involved in the affair. They did not choose to be a part of the affair, but they are definitely impacted by it and should have a say in how it leaves them feeling. Rather than shield them from the fact that an affair happened, allow them to know what occurred. They do not need the details. They do need to know if mommy or daddy has been unfaithful. They need to know if mommy or daddy broke the promises they made when they married. Children understand broken promises, they understand what it is like being lied to, they know the pain of a parent setting a bad example. Do not protect the cheater from the children knowing this. The children already know at some level. Admitting it will give them relief. They know that things are not right, but do not know why and can not put their finger on it.
When the cheater has to face how their actions have impacted others, then their vision can begin to change. They will start including others in their decisions.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
