There are times when addressing affair related topics challenge me. One place where those challenges occur are what to write on ‘special days’. This is due to special days being filled with emotions and expectations.
One day posing challenges for me is that of Valentine’s Day. It’s a day that should be filled with happiness, but for many it brings pain and bad memories.
Valentine’s Day brings a truck load of expectations and baggage. When your expectations aren’t met, you sink to depressive lows.
Although each of you has expectations for good things, when there’s been an affair, Valentine’s Day is anything but pleasant. All the cupids, cards and chocolate given to you only amplify your experience and remind you how alone and isolated you’ve become.
The day re-opens old wounds. It forces the two of you to face the discomfort of the distance that has developed between you. You may have even told your spouse in no uncertain terms about what they are not to do.
You made yourself clear, “Don’t buy me …….” This time, it’s not being coy, you meant what you said. You know how those things will only remind you of the hurt.
Gifts and flowers normally bring good feelings with them, unless there’s been an affair. After an affair, those same gifts have the opposite effect. Valentine’s Day and its associations are turned upside down.
Many cheating spouses don’t realize this. They are clueless about how what worked before no longer works. If you’re the cheater, you’ll need a different approach. The old flowers, card and candy routine will have just the opposite effect from what you hoped for.
If you’re the betrayed, all those associations of Valentine’s Day with being special and loved trigger both positive and negative experiences all at once.
You’re not going crazy when all those reactions are going on. All those contradictory feelings are the result of a crazy-making situation and mixed messages. When your marriage is damaged, days like today remind you of how screwed up things are.
It’s at times like these that the two of you need each other more than the chocolate and flowers. You need connection with their heart rather than being bought off with gifts.
Although you crave that connection, most of you don’t know how to achieve it. This puts you in a bind of knowing what you want, yet it’s not available.
One answer is downloading the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”. The presentation guides you in re-connecting with your spouse. The two of you have lost something. Rediscovering it requires the two of you reconnecting and working together.
Although you want reconnection, many of you don’t know where to start in making it happen. reconnection is possible when you know how.
This video gives you the tools you need for starting change in your relationship more than any chocolate and flowers could ever hope for.
Order your copy today and start changing your Valentine’s Days.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
