If you have been following this series of posts, I’ve been addressing what I have observed in working with some infidels. In the last post on the topic, I mentioned the danger of a passive mind.
In reading further on the topic in some material by Eric Fromm, he notes that a passive mind is the by-product of boredom. Over time, the boredom eventually turns to a form of hatred.
When you apply this to the infidel, it paints a picture that the infidel grows bored with the relationship or their daily life. When the boredom turns to hatred, they look for ways to ‘spice things up’, or ‘make them feel alive’.
It’s during this stage that the cheater often reports feeling dead, or numbed out. (On another note, I am curious if many of the adult ED cases are actually those men who are bored, and resort to using chemicals to change themselves rather than change their thinking or behavior).
When in this state of hatred, they’ve been known to pursue destructive choices focused on lashing out at what they perceive as the cause of the boredom. The uncomfortable sensation comes and they look for what caused it or what they can blame it on. In the case of the infidel, they make choices that lash out at their marriage and or partner.
Although this idea sounds far fetched, it is surprising how many infidels do things with the intention of getting caught. It is as if they are intentionally trying to sabotage their marriages and their lives. Such behavior eliminates the boredom, but the idea of replacing the boredom with destructive drama doesn’t seem like a good trade off to me.
The question arises, “What can I do to prevent this?”. The answer is “engage your spouse”. Engage them in activities requiring effort and exertion, rather than passive acts. Get them up and moving.
Discourage television watching and other passive activities. Take steps to eliminate the current fad of ‘multi-tasking’. (When in multi-tasking mode, we are often just reacting and not actively thinking). Change up your routine. These are things that will help break the power of the passive mind.
For the “how tos” of how to engage them along with what you engage them about, consider my video. The video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” provides you with a road map to engage them in new ways.
Best Regards,
Jeff
