One of my favorite Groucho Marx lines is “I’ve a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it”. With some couples, this statement is part of their daily lives after an affair occurs. The infidelity is used as a club to constantly remind the infidel of their actions and the pain they inflicted on those around them. Anytime the erring spouse makes a mistake or even if they start doing well, the resolute spouse uses the affair like a club to keep them in their place. In a club-like manner they are battered again and again to remind them of the pain. Such verbal battering often leaves the victim, “beaten down” and “defeated”. When you are trying to rebuild your marriage, such actions have the opposite effects.
I have also come across situations where the threat of an affair is used like a club as well. “I may just go out and have an affair” is used as a threat to intimidate and frighten their spouse. In these cases, although the affair did not happen, the mere threat of it is enough to inflict pain. The pain and fear associated with this imaginary affair is very real to those who have had it used against them.
Such actions undermine and destroy trust. By holding on to the damage from the affair, as if it were an “ace in the hole” to play when one needs leverage is game playing to the extreme. Although it is game playing, it happens quite frequently. Many couples find it hard to openly discuss intimacy issues, so they often resort to threats and reminders as a way to keep the hurt going and maintain emotional distance between the two of them.
Before you “let it all hang out”, consider your words. Ask yourself if what you are about to say will bring healing or will it bring more hurt. If it is not directed toward healing, it probably does not need to be stated.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
