If you have ever wondered about the role of fantasies and the fog with affairs, I address those issues in the e-book, “Why He Cheats“.
In working with couples and affairs, issues that often arise include secrets/lies, trust and fantasy. Many of the other books available deal with the signs of the affair and explanations about the behaviors associated with the affair.
Few address what happens in terms of the fantasies of the cheater and finding your way through the ‘fog’. If you have dealt with the fog, you know what I am referring to.
When the cheater is ‘in the fog’ they are vulnerable to being manipulated and controlled. They may be with you physically, yet their heart is somewhere else.
You may call it ‘robot mode’ or have some other cutesy name to describe what you have encountered with your spouse. They still go through the motions, but you wonder “who are they?”
If you want to understand and find your way through the fog along with understanding the mind of the cheater, and are willing to look for serious answers rather that quick, easy to digest responses, then you’ll want to read this volume.
Yes, it may step on your toes, yet you may need that kind of honesty in dealing with the issues now in your lap.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
Dear DrJeff,
I have a busy day ahead, so this will just be brief.
I wanted to tell you how much these last two posts spoke to me! I know they will be ‘missing pieces’ or ‘ah ha!’ moments for many of your readers.
I experienced the ‘fog’ myself, as well as watching my beloved husband wander through it. It is truly a heart-rending sight, a horrible ‘place’ to be!
Also, thank you for bring out the point on split/multiple personalities. I actually wondered for years if my husband was experiencing some variation of this. I recall some very vivid dreams all through the years wherein he would appear as 2 separate people, yet still one. And I described him this way to counselors & friends. Like a light switch was flipped………
So nice you covered these points. The info you brought out is so very valuable to those struggling through this nightmare.
Take care…….more comments another day………give my regards to your lovely Peggy………..
Love to all………
Sherri,
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. Hearing how helpful those posts were made my day. When you are in the middle of dealing with those matters, it helps to know what you are dealing with.
Dear DrJeff,
You are so welcome…..
We all need commendation. That is the way our all wise and loving Creator designed us. It is a superior design.
Therefore, all the more devestating(sp?) that far too many never receive it as children. That is really the fundamental reason any one ends up in the horror of adultery—their basic needs as children were not filled & they are grasping at straws, trying to make up the deficit. So, so sad………… ;(
That I am able to express my love and commendation to you and others actually gives honor to our Creator. So glad I am able to do that, in spite of all the crazy stuff my husband has inflicted upon his family through the years.
Satan wants all of us to be selfish and self-centered. That flies in the face of the way we are designed. We are designed to put our Creator first, our family next, others third and ourselves fourth. Sounds insane in this ‘me-first’ world of Satan’s making. It’s not—it is our design—–Clearly stated in the scriptures.
When we do this, we reap joy, happiness, love and satisfaction. Ignore this basic truth and suffer. That, in a nutshell, is what an adulterer does. Why they do it is the damage done to them in childhood by their parents who also did not grasp this basic truth, either. And so it goes——generation after generation, as DrJeff has repeatedly pointed out.
So, thank you for bringing these truths out so clearly, helping us to ‘sort this from that’, as Kim Cooper says. (She has an amazing web-site all about narcissism)
Again, thanks so much……..
You who are reading this blog—–Listen to DrJeff!!! He knows of what he speaks! His info, coupled with my Bible reading and my relationship with our Creator, has sustained me through some pretty crazy stuff!! Could not have survived and thrived without him!
Love to all……….
I find this very interesting, as I have been watching my wife wander through that “fog” for some time now. And recently, it is as though the fog has thickened, possibly as a result of her affair becoming less stable over the past few months. Most recently, this has taken the form of her actively avoiding me and our entire situation (she separated and moved in with the affair partner some months ago) for about a month now.
I’m just curious: the title of the book is Why He Cheats, but are your descriptions of the “fog” state non-gender specific? I would imagine that, for the most part, fog is fog when it comes to affairs, i.e. it does not discriminate between male and female in how it manifests. The same reckless choices, lack of empathy, need to justify, and disconnect from reality seem to be apparent regardless of gender.
I had a peek at the book on Amazon, and was very curious about the connections you found with the work of Milton Erickson, and specifically with Ericksonian (or indirect) hypnosis. I’ve been involved with indirect hypnosis as a therapeutic tool for some time, and have found it very helpful in working through the difficult emotional and experiential states that come with infidelity and marital crises. I have found the Ericksonian approach (e.g. confusional language/behaviors) and some of his methods of redirecting bad habits or behaviors truly fascinating, and am wondering if there might be room for its incorporation in the marital counseling/coaching process.
Rodion,
In terms of the fog, it can happen with males or females. It is not something limited to men by any means. The title was from some of the questions I have received regarding cheating, not that the book only deals with men.
In terms of the Ericksonian material. I observed that cheaters often show the same symptoms of someone being in a hypnotic trance. After reading the research of Erickson and others, their observations supported my observation. I have realized that the ‘fog’ is a type of fugue or hypnotic state that the cheater is in. It was a fascinating discovery.