Contrary to the excuses made concerning affairs, they don’t ‘just happen’. When a cheating spouse is found out, they may come across as sincere in their bewilderment as to how such a thing could have happened.
The offending spouse may have been totally unaware of the events leading up to the infidelity and when they tell you that it ‘just happened’ they mean what they say.
Prior to another act of infidelity, there’s a build-up leading to the affair. The build-up starts internally. The build-up is akin to pressure building prior to a situation blowing up.
The soon to be offending spouse often distances themselves from their spouse physically or emotionally prior to an affair. (In some cases, they do the opposite just for the sake of throwing things off).
The distancing is a way of reducing guilt. When they are connected with you, they don’t feel ‘right’ about the affair. Rather than stay where there is discomfort, they create distance, physically or emotionally.
The distancing is often part of what is called ‘a self-serving crisis’. This is when the cheater creates a crisis where distancing happens. Once the crisis is triggered, they use the chaos as an opportunity for their affair.
Whether they do their distancing by either drawing further away of becoming overly close, these are signals that something is up.
The soon to be offending spouse has likely entertained the fantasy of an affair and often has to work up their nerve and courage before carrying out their fantasy.
There are also emotional signs as well. These ‘signs’ or tells are early warnings that an affair is ‘on the way’.
Vocations which include high levels of entertaining, high cash flow and large amounts of unstructured time are particularly at risk.
Like a build up of pressure, this phase continues building emotional pressure until it reaches critical mass. At the point of critical mass, the potential cheater gains relief by having an affair.
The affair is their solution to the crisis of the ‘build up’.
It’s during that ‘build up’ that the last opportunity exists for preventing an affair from taking place. The infidel to be in some cases takes on a ‘glazed’ look which is another indicator that something is about to unfold.
There are many other early warning signals to look for. These signals often vary from person to person. What is clear is that there are often signals being sent out that broadcast their actions, if the resolute spouse is alert and savvy enough to pick up on them.
For more information on knowing what to look for and signs of affair relapse, check out the video on “Preventing Affair Relapse“. It guides you through the signs to look for, what you can do about them, and how to put together a Relapse Prevention Plan.
Best Regards,
Jeff
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