In raising sons, I encountered many frustrations. One of them was dealing with “asking the right question” game.
With this game, they would honestly answer my questions, although it was my responsibility to ask the ‘right’ questions. It took me a while, yet through trial and error I found ways of navigating through the game.
One of the lessons I learned was that asking vague or general questions got me nowhere. It became clear that I had to ask direct, specific questions. If I attempted dancing around an issue, I’d receive the run around.
So if I wanted to know if they did something like smoke marijuana, I had to ask them point blank, “Did you smoke marijuana?”
Although I’ve often attributed such word games to adolescent boys, I’ve learned that the ‘ask the right question’ game is popular with cheaters as well.
This means that your questions need to be clear and direct. You can’t be vague or general in your talks with the cheater.
If they can twist the meaning of what you’re asking, they will. They’ll hear questions in ways you never considered. A prime example of this is how President Clinton danced around discussion of his peccadilloes.
The reality is that ‘cheaters cheat’. They cheat in relationships and they cheat with their language and answers. Their thinking has been infected with avoidance and brinkmanship.
You may need some practice in asking direct, direct straight forward questions. In time it will become natural. You can’t be lazy or take short cuts in this area.
When going through affair recovery, there may be times you want a place to share with others. This is where membership in the support community at Restored Lifestyle can help. Whether you are the cheater or the betrayed, there are places for you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
