As you deal with the affair, eventually the topic of hypocrisy will come up. When it comes up, it may be you accusing the cheater of hypocrisy, or them accusing you of it. When those accusations do come up, it often shuts down productive conversation.
Once the accusation is made, the person accused goes into defensive mode and any discussions become highly polarized. Once disagreements become polarized, any kind of problem solving becomes difficult. Once the accusation is made, there is a shift in the disagreement. That shift puts the accused in a position of defending whether or not they are a hypocrite.
Debating whether one of you is a hypocrite will bog your relationship down. Instead of finding common ground in viewing the affair as “problematic,” the focus has been shifted to disproving hypocrisy. They or you may be a hypocrite—many people have inconsistent value systems. If the value systems of you and your spouse were consistent, the likelihood of an affair would be minimal.
It is only when inconsistencies in values exist that an affair can happen. The more important concern is what is being done that corrects those inconsistencies? If your spouse accuses you of being a hypocrite, what are you doing to correct that situation? If you accuse them of being a hypocrite, what corrections are they making?
The two of you may need agreement of what the value system of your marriage is. If the two of you are not “on the same page,” it sets the stage for problems. We all need consistency when it comes to values. Having consistency in values helps create more stability in your marriage.
What are the two of you doing to correct value inconsistencies?
If you need more help in handling disagreements and improving communication, you should consider the “Affair Recovery Workshop,” which contains a module on communication.
Best Regards,
Jeff
