My heart often breaks when I see mothers trying to re-experience years lost with their children due to an affair. They reach out attempting to make-up for or regain the relationship and closeness they once enjoyed with their children before the affair. The attempts at reaching out are often painful and awkward.
Sue often tries reaching out to her son Richard. The more Sue reaches out, the more distant Richard is. Even in casual conversation, talk seems forced at times. Their mother and son talks don’t flow like she remembers they did. It is as if she can see him, but every time she reaches out to touch him emotionally, he moves and all she grabs is air. She loves him and cares about him. She wants him to love her and accept her. She know what she did was wrong, and thinks “Isn’t it time to move past that?” The affair was many years ago. It was something that she does not like to talk about. Sue hopes that by putting it behind her, she can avoid talking about it.
What Sue does not realize is that one of the hidden cost of affairs is ‘lost lives’. The years of closeness with your children suddenly disappears. The intimacy is gone. Although she wants people to understand, she does not realize that healing requires not only time, but also talking through what happened. The affair that seemed so all important at the time, is not the priority now. The son she put aside is now what is important.
Affairs often distort priorities. They permanently warp relationships. They often freeze intimacy and distance to the point that people find it hard to get close to them and them to others, especially family members.
Affairs can cost a person much more than just a divorce settlement. Long after the money has been paid, they are still paying the emotional and relational price tag for their actions.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
