After reading through comments and talking with people impacted by cheating, I decided to do a series of articles on Cheating and Anger. Angry reactions can be counted on following the revelation of cheating.
When you open your eyes to the awareness of cheating, the angry reactions soon follow. It happens so quickly, you do not realize that there were some other feelings that you had prior to the anger. Anger is most often a secondary emotion. (I’ll talk more about that later).
When your anger erupts, it is a strong feeling. Since it is so strong, it often overshadows all other feelings. It covers hurt, fear, sadness and a host of other emotions. When your anger about the cheating arises, any awareness of other feelings is silenced. I used to ask people about what kind of anger they had and to tell me about it. I quit doing that with cheating situations. I was told “I am angry! Don’t you understand that! I do not know what else I am feeling or what kind of anger it is. I just know I am angry!” I learned quickly that the intensity of the anger is so strong at such moments, you are not ready to sort through it at that time. It may be days or weeks before you are ready to sort through the anger.
In the early stages, you know you are angry. You are doing good to keep from hurting yourself or others. Keeping your anger from turning into revenge is the first major choice you have. It is your first opportunity to regain self-control. So the first thing to separate anger from revenge.
1. Separate anger from revenge.
Revenge will only spread the hurt further. You may feel better, but it does nothing to heal the marriage. It will not restore the love. Anger kills the love.
2. Ask yourself, “Will it heal the marriage?”
By asking this question, you slow down your brain. You stop it from racing headlong into revenge. Anger is a feeling that motivates you to action. Anger will make you do something. Before you do something stupid, ask yourself this question.
3. Exercise
Exercise or any vigorous activity is important in dealing with the anger. With the angry reaction, there are chemicals released into your body. Those chemicals stimulate your heart rate, breathing, digestion and muscle activity. You will want to work off the effects of those chemicals. Combining anger and passivity is a dangerous combination. The release of those chemicals is natural. Rather than allow those chemicals to wreak havoc on your body…exercise. It will not remove all your anger, but at this point, what you need is some self-control. You will need to contain the anger, rather than understand it or remove it.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
PS.- As a reminder, my free webinar on “5 Ways of Coping with a Cheating Spouse” is tonight at 7:00 CDT. It will be available by telephone and on the internet as well. I will have some time for questions. If you have questions, attending via computer would be best. Register at this link. [Registration Link]
2 Responses
Anger, no I should say fury is right about where I am these days. I could spend all day reading your posts, you have addressed issues that I have experienced and can explain, but don’t always understand. The
things that make me feel as if maybe I’m crazy…of course I know I’m not.
I will be back to read your posts often. Jane
Jane,
Thanks for your comment. I hate that you are having to go through the emotional turmoil. I am glad that you are finding the posts helpful in understanding the situation. Many times we think we are going crazy, when in actuality, we are dealing with crazy situations. During those times, I ask myself, “How would a sane person handle such an insane situation?” The question often brings clarity to whatever it is I am facing. The crazy surroundings often make us think that we are the problem, rather than recognizing that any sane person having to face such a crazy situation would respond accordingly.