When cheaters pose the question “What have I done to hurt them (the extended family)?”, they sincerely believe that the issues regarding their cheating only impact their spouse and children. Cheaters are often so selfish in their thinking that they do not see the impact of the ripple effect of their action. If you are a member of an extended family, you know about the ripple effect first hand. You know how the actions of the cheater do impact the extended family in terms of distrust, anger, loss of reputation and other damages. The actions of the cheater have hurt your child and their family. It amounts to a slap in your face, followed by the insult of spit.
Although the cheater often wants to be forgiven and ‘get on’ with life. They often ignore repairing the damaged extended relationships. They forget to ask for the forgiveness of the extended family. You who were there in support for the resolute spouse know the pain. You were the shoulder to cry on when the cheater was doing their thing in la-la land. When the cheater returns, they seem to expect bells, whistles, and red carpet from their spouse. They want it all to be over, forgetting the full extent of hurt they inflicted.
The first step is to acknowledge the pain. As an extended family member you will need to let them know how it effected you WITHOUT blaming. It is a challenge to talk about hurts without blaming, but it can be done. Blaming often backfires, and gives the cheater an out. You want to be able to talk about it without alienating your child, their spouse and you. When it backfires, you child and spouse may team up against you. So you may have to begin by talking about your pain with your own support system BEFORE your take it up with the cheater. Remember PAIN without BLAME.
For example, you may start off with something like: “It hurts when there is distance between us. I miss the closeness we once had and want to have it back again”. Such statement work better than …”Do you know the pain you caused me? Your selfishness ruined this family…”
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
One Response
Dear Jeff,
My husband and I felt that your post was spot on and we will show it to our daughter when we meet this weekend to discuss our meeting with him in April. We are reading your posts and finding some relief in them. We are saddest that we have discovered that his value and moral system had changed so dramatically from when we first met him 10 years ago. My pain regarding this is immeasurable and deep, but I want my daughter and granddaughters in my circle. Thank you for your help, we will continue to check your blog posts for insights.