Why should I listen to you?

One of the important questions that you need to ask of anyone addressing affair issues is ‘Why should I listen to you?”. It is a valid question which deserves a valid response.

In my case, I was touched by affairs as a teenager. One of my parents had an affair, and it let to the break-up of my family of origin. The situation was one full of drama. There were the standard secrets and loyalty issues. This one also had Children’s Protective Services involved along with many different allegations. So I began learning about affairs from first hand experience living through what was something ‘between consenting adults’. I saw what it does to families and knew what it did to me. I saw my family ripped apart by selfish drives. I went through the questions and desperation of suffering without anyone talking about what really happened. I saw the years of anger, resentment, and bitterness. I saw how many tears had been shed as a result of what happened. I saw how holidays, achievements and birthdays became battle zones, to the point that they were dreaded due to the sides of the family fighting over petty things. (Since no one talked about the big things, they fought over the little things). I knew what it was like to be ostracized, although I never had the affair. The community treated the impacted family members as if we were contaminated with ‘radioactive’ particles out of fear that the affair germs would spread.

I went through the many rumors and challenges that go with a blended family created from an affair. There were the episodes of domestic violence, threats, and secrets that are part of the package deal of such situations. It was bad enough that one affair shattered my family, then it happened again. Once more there were new challenges to deal with as I had to take stands that risked being alienated from family members due to taking stands to protect my children from a lifestyle that I was working to prevent happening. I was faced with all the stories and lies associated with excusing what happened. All the story lines about “I deserve to be happy!”, and “God never intended for us to be alone, did He?”…blah, blah, blah. I knew it was nothing more than excuses, and they did too. I thought that they would have learned from their earlier mistakes, but…No, they did not.

So when people comment, with remarks like “What do you know about affairs? You never had one.” No, I have not. I have not committed suicide either, but I know enough about it to avoid that as an option. Although I have not had one, I know about them through first hand experience and through years of research, study and working with couples to know ways of dealing with them. I know the long-term effects of affairs. I know how they impact children and extended family. As the popular saying goes, “been there, done that, have the t-shirt”.

That is why you should listen to me. That is how I ended up dealing with affairs and my ‘personal’ credentials. I realized I had never shared them, and thought they may help you understand where I was coming from.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah