Although you may want to evaluate all infidelity with the same ground rules, there are times that you can not. One of those is when a couple has a special needs child. These families are at higher risk for marriage problems, including affairs than the families without special needs children. Since the emotional, financial and social pressures are higher and different on such couples, they often respond differently. In such families a spouse may be cheating as a way of coping with the pressure or seeking comfort rather than just wanting to get into someone else’s pants.
You have to take these things into consideration. It does not mean that their cheating is alright. It does mean that the pressures and motivations behind the cheating are different than other situations. To illustrate in a GROSSLY OVERSIMPLIFIED manner, let us say that the the sex addict cheater is motivated by 100% by sexual drive. The suburban professional (40% bored, 60% sexual drive) and the special needs spouse (90% driven by need for stress relief/10% looking for comfort). This illustration is only for a rough comparison. In dealing with each couple, the root issues and drives are different. Since the motivations are different, the solution to the situation is different. In other words, the ground rules change. Infidelity is still not alright, what does change is the motive behind it, which gives you clues to the unmet needs at work.
What this means is that when your spouse cheats, you need to consider what is happening in context. Special needs families require special handling. That means that how your sister handled her affair situation will be different than how to handle a special needs family situation.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
